Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy
By Cyber Daimyo
Part Six
Gadget Hackwrench: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy!" We've got quite a contest going on here, let's take a look at the scores. Mepps is in second place with -$6,500..
Mepps: Only on accountability!
Gadget Hackwrench: Great. Uh.. Desiree Delure is in first with a commanding score of 0.
Desiree Delure: [ repeatedly presses buzzer until it beeps ] Umm.. what is history?
Gadget Hackwrench: We haven't started playing yet! And finally, Ardshou, with an incredible -$17,800.
Ardshou: [ gestures to the audience and blows a kiss ] Well.. uh, yes.. I suppose I do.
Gadget Hackwrench: Better luck to all of you, in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy, let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Literature".. which is just a big word for books.. "Therapists", "Current U.S. Presidents", "Show and Tell", "Household Objects", and finally, "One-Letter Words". Anyway, Ardshou, you are in third place, so the board is yours.
Ardshou: Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh ..seven.. uh, seven different categories..
Gadget Hackwrench: [ interrupting ] Right, Mepps. why don't you pick?
Mepps: It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The Rapists" for $200.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's "Therapists." That's "Therapists," not "The Rapists." Let's skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects", for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these." [ Mepps buzzes in ] Mepps.
Mepps: A leather glove! [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No. [ Delure buzzes in ] Desiree Delure.
Desiree Delure: A toilet! [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: That is awful. [ Ardshou buzzes in ] Ardshou.
Ardshou: [ marvels at the buzzer until time-out beep sounds off ]
Gadget Hackwrench: And you're an idiot! The answer was "a glass."
Mepps: Then the day is mine!
Gadget Hackwrench: [ hesitant ] Technically, it's still Ardshou's board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mepps pick again.
Mepps: Ohhhh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.
Gadget Hackwrench: How about "Show and Tell" for $600? I'll just show you an object, and you'll tell me what it is, okay? [ Mepps rings in ]
Mepps: It's a mouse with the goggles!
Gadget Hackwrench: No, Mepps, I am not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet. Here it is. [ holds up a hammer ] Name this object! [ Delure buzzes in ] Desiree Delure.
Desiree Delure: It's a popsicle! [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No. [ Ardshou buzzes in ] Ardshou, name this object.
Ardshou: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a..uh.. a what-do-you-call-it when you.. umm.. When you... when you punish criminals in.. uh.. days of yore. It was a.. And you'd put them in the.. uh.. the square in those.. you know.. uh..
Gadget Hackwrench: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Ardshou: Yes, exactly! [ buzzer sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: [ mad as hell ] It's a freaking hammer!
Ardshou: Well, of course it is!
Mepps: Now, listen to me! You back off, Gadget! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of you! [ to Ardshou ] This guy reads from a card!
Gadget Hackwrench: Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President." [ no responses, so more clues are revealed ] "He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news.." "..His first name is 'Bill'.." [ no responses ] "..Ardshou, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently.." "..His last name is Clinton!.." "..His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'." [ still no responses ] Someone just say it! Anyone. [ timer sounds ] ..And the show has reached a new low.
Mepps: And I'm the cock of the walk!
Gadget Hackwrench: Alright, let's just move on to "Final Jeopardy". And the category is: "Letters of the Alphabet." All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, "A" or "G". [ 1980s Final Jeopardy theme plays as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Ardshou waving his arms around in slow strides ] Ardshou evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ theme ends ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let's take a look at the answers. Mepps, you wrote: [ picture of Mepps' face, blowing a raspberry at Gadget, appears ] Okay, that is definitely not a letter.
Mepps: Ha-Haa!!
Gadget Hackwrench: Beautiful. Just beautiful. Desiree Delure, let's see what you wrote. [ screen reveals a drawing of an eye ] You drew a picture of an eye.
Desiree Delure: Well, "I" is a letter isn't it?
Gadget Hackwrench: Are you English or just a giant French jackal? Let's go to Ardshou, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Let's see what your answer was. [ screen reveals a huge number 2 ] The number 2.
Ardshou: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah.. the letter 2, my friend!
Gadget Hackwrench: No, 2 is a number.
Ardshou: I, uh.. I can't read or write.
Gadget Hackwrench: Good for you. Well, as always,
three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money, here on "Celebrity
Jeopardy". I'm Gadget Hackwrench, and the three of you should be ashamed
of yourselves! Good night!