Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy
By Cyber Daimyo
Part Seven
Gadget Hackwrench: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Because of what just happened before during the commercial, I'd like to apologize to all blind people and children. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Spud has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.
Spud: [ buzzes in once ] Yes, thank you, yes, Jeopardy, yes. [ Walks over to Gadget ] I heal you, my girl you are healed. We have found Selena Perez's hair, yes. [ walks over to the scoreboard ] It's time to go over here and look at the scoreboard. What do we have here, oh Vana White. Can we turn the letters? She's making a vowel movement. Yes. Oh, hi, I'm Robert Downy Jr. Robert Downy Jr. wants a recount, yes, and here's a kid at home going [ whining ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Thank you, thank you. Moving on. Lahwhiney Hackwrench has no score at all because she's mostly been talking about her recent marriage.
Lahwhiney Hackwrench: Gadget, I'd like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Gary, darling, if you're watching, the diapers' in the bedroom closet and the baby's diapers are under the sink. I love you darling.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's beautiful. And finally, [ talking at warp speed ] Mepps' also here. Let's move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories -
Mepps: Not so fast Gadget!
Gadget Hackwrench: I really thought that was going to work.
Mepps: Well, you were wrong, you samurai jerk. I pose a conundrum to ya, I riddle if you will?
Gadget Hackwrench: I don't want to hear it.
Mepps: What's the difference between you and your father with a cold? One's a sick mouse and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a dork. [ Laughs ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Wonderful. Let's take a look at the categories. They are: Potent Potables, Point to your own head, Letters or Numbers, Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth, An album cover, Make any noise, and finally, Famous Muppet Frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit.
Spud: Thank you, yes, Kermit. Yes it's like Kermit and John Wayne goin, "It's not easy being green, pilgrim." It's like Schwarzenegger, "Ya, I'm Kermit the frog, ya that's me, Schwarzenegger Kermit."
Mepps: Boy, you might be extremely daffy.
Gadget Hackwrench: He has a point. All right, Lahwhiney Hackwrench we'll start with you.
Lahwhiney Hackwrench: I'll take Giraffes for a billion.
Gadget Hackwrench: Let's just go with Letters or Numbers for 200. And the answer is "five." Is five a letter or a number? The number five, is it a number? [ Spud rings in ] Spud.
Spud: Oh, it's a beautiful thing yes, right now there's a guy at home going [ motions a remote control in his hand ] what the hell's going on there, why don't you change -
Gadget Hackwrench: Thank you. Thank you. [ Spud rings in again ] Spud, you already rang in.
Spud: Yes, it's a beautiful thing, though. Monica Lewinsky's at home going [ blows kiss ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Thank you, thank you, anyone else. [ Spud rings in once more ] Spud, I hate you.
Spud: But I love you! It's like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going, "Yo quiero Taco Bell!" Yes.
Gadget Hackwrench: You are a very sick man. Anyone besides Spud? [ time-out beep ] Five is of course, a number. Lahwhiney, sadly, it's still your board.
Lahwhiney Hackwrench: I'll take TV shows that did stories about my wedding for 300.
Gadget Hackwrench: For the last time, that is not a category. Mepps, why don't you pick?
Mepps: Well, the game is afoot. I'll take canal bum cover for 7,000. [ laughing like an idiot ]
Gadget Hackwrench: That's An album cover, not canal bum cover.
Mepps: I can read, Gadget. That says Canal bum cover. I've spent five years of my life trying to invent a canal bum cover, failing to do so is my greatest regret.
Gadget Hackwrench: You have lead a horrifying life. The category is An album cover and the answer is: The Beatles White album is this color. [ Lahwhiney rings in ] Lahwhiney Hackwrench.
Lahwhiney Hackwrench: Who are the Beatles?
Gadget Hackwrench: I'm sorry, that's wrong.
Lahwhiney Hackwrench: No, I'm asking you, who are the Beatles, I've never heard of them. [ Spud rings in ]
Spud: Oh yes, the Beatles, yes, what if they were the Volkswagon Beatles, yes? Then they'd be in the back seat going, "I wanna hold your farfigneugent" yes.
Gadget Hackwrench: [ frustrated ] For the love of God, shut your mouth! I'll tell you what, let's just go to final Jeopardy. And the category is, you know what? You guys just decide. [ rips card ] You each ask your own question and answer it. [ 1980s Final Jeopardy music starts ] There's no way you can get this wrong, because you're asking the question. Ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. You'd have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up; [ music ends ] and now let's see how you managed to mess it up. Spud wrote: Nothing. Because he stuck his pen through his own hand.
Spud: [ holding up a fake hand with a pen stuck to it ] Yes, you know what it's like, suddenly it's like a Shakespearean actor who's gay going, "Tell us for york I" [ Gadget grabs pen and sticks it deeper into Spud's hand ] Ow! Ow! That hurts, yes. Oh!
Gadget Hackwrench: Don't ever come here again. Lahwhiney Hackwrench, asked herself this question: What sound does a doggy make? Fine. And you answered: [ A trio of question marks appear ] You didn't know the answer? You couldn't answer your own question?
Lahwhiney Hackwrench: It was hard.
Gadget Hackwrench: Unbelievable. And finally, Mepps asked himself: [ Half of a picture of Dale doing the tango with Gadget appears ] Ok, I, I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here, [ Looks over Mepps' podium ] Yeah, yeah, that's Dale doing the tango with me. Ok. That's beautiful.
Mepps: Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work.
Gadget Hackwrench: No, we're not going to do that. Ok,
I quit, [ Mepps slaps Gadget on the head ] again. Good night. [ Spud dances
as Gadget leaves the stage ]