--------Be happy not everyone goes on like me------

Ah, welcome everyone! You are about to read a
very special Fanfic. It's special because, at one
time, it was the fanfic I strived to write. It is
also probably the most unusual fanfic that will ever
be written for the Rescue Rangers. Mind Media is a
lengthened, considerably improved version of another
Fanfic of mine which will never see the light of being
on the Internet (I've deemed it not good enough), which
I wrote solely so I could see how wacky a Ranger fanfic
could get.

Well?

--------Okay, Rant's over, you can come out--------

You are now at Mind Media, Act One.

Prologue (Immediately after the next line with the
witty remark. It is otherwise unacknowledged).

PART ONE: CAN'T STOP THE RUSH!
PART TWO: THE MIND MEDIA OPENS!
PART THREE: BRIEF NORMALITY
PART FOUR: THE INTOXICATING EFFECTS OF CANDY
PART FIVE: THE MOON ATTACKS!
PART SIX: THE EVIL DEMON MASTER MIND
PART SEVEN: FUN WITH CELLPHONES
PART EIGHT: SEARCH FOR AN AVATAR
PART NINE: DIMM'S GIRL TROUBLE AND OTHER ANTICS
PART TEN: BOAT-JUMPER AND BARREL RIDER

--------We're starting the story, by the way-------

[Opening credits and theme. Footage begins to reel]

[Satellite of Love]

JOEL: Hi, everyone, welcome to the show, I'm
Joel Robinson and these are my buddies,
Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crow.

BOTS: Hi!

[Suddenly, lights flash, and a big sparkly portal
opens, and a blonde guy about Joel's size drops
out.]

BOTS: MIKE!

JOEL: Who?

CROW: Micheal J. Nelson.

MIKE: Hi guys! Crow, Gypsy, Tom, I see you
haven't changed much... I could have
sworn Cambot had a round shape and was
blue though.

[Author's note: In Joel's era, Cambot was
red and looked like a camera. In Mike's
era, Cambot was blue and looked like an
orb]

JOEL: Wait a minute, just who are you and how
do you know my buds?

MIKE: You must be Joel Robinson! The robots
have told me so much about you [The two
shake hands].

CROW: Yea, you see Joel, well... this is gonna
be a long story.

TOM: I can try to explain. Joel, in the future,
after we watched a stinker called "Mitchell"
you somehow managed to escape the SOL. Dr.
Forrester found out and replaced you with
Mike here. Later on, Forrester died, and
his mother Pearl and some brain guy started
torturing us...

MIKE: That's nice, Servo, but I think Joel knows
enough.

JOEL: Hey, wait a minute... I do seem to remember,
all the sudden, that I was tricked into
going into an escape pod... I landed in
Australia... God, Earth sucked! I'm so
glad we're back up here.

CROW: Under the despotic rule of an evil scientist,
tortured weekly! Woo-Hoo! We're in
paradise!

JOEL: So, why the hell did you come back?

MIKE: Well, it's a long story. You see Joel,
unbeknownst to us, we're actually a well-
loved comedy series in one universe.
Our series, in fact, is the subject of
many heated debates, the foremost among
them being "Who is better, Joel or Mike?"

BOTS: JOEL!

GYPSY: MIKE!

[The Bots look threateningly at Gypsy]

JOEL: So you're back here so we can all find
out, once and for all?

MIKE: Actually no. I am appalled by all the
violence there has been regarding this
silly issue. The topic has actually been
banned from Usenet it got so bad. I am
here to prove that neither is funnier,
that you are just as good as me, and I
am just as good as you.

TOM: And if you believe that, I've got a bridge
to sell you!

JOEL: One last question... how the hell did you
get here, anyway?

MIKE: Ummm....

JOEL: Well?

MIKE: I have a friend in another universe, named
8-Bit Star.

JOEL: Oh, the fanfic writer. We've... read his
... works.

MIKE: Oh, he's trying to call. Can someone get
the dingybob, please?

CROW: Sure, Mike. [Crow presses button, Viewscreen
activates showing my "Fantasy" image which is
what I like to pretend I look like. In this
case I look like a small, skinny, pink-haired
kid dressed in blue, drawn anime style]

[Viewscreen]

8-BIT: Mike? Make it back okay? Never mind, of
course you did, otherwise you would reply
by now.

[SoL]

MIKE: Hi Star! I made it okay, just caused a
few paradoxes and messed up history for
all time, but no major damage.

[Viewscreen]

8-BIT: That's great. Mike, something important
just came up. It seems someone is pretending
to be me. Oddly, unlike me, this person
has the ability to screw up universes that
are not his own. I've seen his work, and
it seems like he's full-scale trying to
destroy, of all things, the Rescue Rangers.

[SoL]

CROW: What?! You don't mean Saban's Adventures of
the Rescue Rangers, do you?

[Viewscreen]

8-BIT: Hell no, I mean Disney's, or Chip n' Dale's.

[SoL]

CROW: WHAT?!?!?!??! That is TERRIBLE! We MUST
destroy this horrible devil-spawn at once!

[Viewscreen]

8-BIT: Yea. Since I'm redefining "self-insertion"
anyway, I'm going to be working on that.
So long and chow.

[Viewscreen shuts off]

[SoL]

JOEL: Well, happy to have you aboard, Mike. We
could use some extra company around here.
Oh, hold on, the Mads are calling.

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Well, Joel--Hey, who's that?

[SoL]

JOEL: This is Mike, he's a guy from the future
who took over as your guinea pig after I
escaped.

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Oh, well, that's fine--WHAT did you say?

[SoL]

MIKE: I'm their janitor.

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Oh. Well in any case, for our invention
exchange, we looked at the similarities
between Fanfiction and Comic Books.

[SoL]

JOEL: Cheesy, fight-ridden stories?
MIKE: Overused one-liners?
CROW: One-dimensional characterizations?
TOM: Stupid, juvenile concepts?

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Crossovers! Comic Books feature them
all the time nowadays, it's gotten to
the point where they're no longer special.
The same is true of fanfiction. Writers
have thought of everything, why, people
have even crossed Star Trek and X-Men, the
two most incompatible things in the universe!
Then some up-and-coming guy wants to do
his own crossover, and finds it is taken.

FRANK: [Crying] Man, I want to write a Timmy the
Tooth meets the Littles story, but I think
it may have happened.

DR. F: Well, never fear, subserviant lackey,
because now there is the "Crossover
Collector!" [Holds up a rather ordinary-
looking laptop] this amazing little
thingamabob collects, compiles, and even
reads every crossover ever written, wether
it be an actual crossover or even just a
cross-casting, and allows you to search
it's immense, updatable database to find
out not only if your idea is taken, but
how just overused your pathetic cliche
actually is!

FRANK: [Crying even more] Oh god! Timmy the Tooth
and the Littles have met fifteen times!

DR. F: Well, sirs?

[SoL]

JOEL: Ah, how unique. Well, for our invention,
we went to the deepest, darkest place
known to man. A place full of the most
disgusting lifeless slobs ever to be given
life to gain insight into the true nature
of humanity. Tom?

TOM: Of course, this dark, terrible place that
holds the terrible truth about us power
hungry slavedrivers is not an American
School, it is Usenet! Disgusting, Ptah!
We couldn't stand it! But it gave us very
deep insight into our own lives, and we
wrote this book.

[Joel holds up a red cover labeled "People are
Jerks."]

TOM: Yes, our book is unique. One, it's got a
very deep, metaphorical story symbolizing
exactly what kind of people people are.
Second, it is a book that does this while
lacking one thing every other book has.
Yes, sirs, I mean PAGES. This is the first,
and only, PAGELESS BOOK. Story? Character
depth? All that metaphoric stuff I mentioned
earlier? Who needs it! This book does all
that and more with just it's cover alone!

CROW: And it's quite convenient for those who
read books but don't have long attention
spans anyway. And to be safe, it is made
out of very hard substances, so it is still
good for spankin' babies!

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Fine idea, must consider getting Frank one
of those. Your experiment today is some
stupid ditty that just arrived in the mail.
It's about the Rescue Rangers, and it's
called "Mind Media" anyway, enjoy.

[Forrester pulls the lever]

[SoL, lights are flashing]

JOEL & MIKE: We've got Fanfic sign!

[Door sequence, Joel, Mike, and the Bots enter
theatre]

> RESCUE RANGERS: MIND MEDIA

CROW: Can be yours IF the price is right!

> By FAKE 8-BIT STAR

TOM: Is this as opposed to Slimer and the Real
8-Bit Star?
MIKE: Maybe this "Fake" 8-Bit Star is a Filmation
exec.
CROW: No, that would be the real 8-Bit Star. Ya
see, the two 8-Bit Star movies were actually
named after a 1970s live action series....
TOM: Crow, the joke's already lost us.
CROW: Oh, sorry.

> DISCLAIMER:

TOM: Not written yet and the *author* already
breaks all claims to it.

> Any character not created by me is property of
> someone else and stuff.

CROW: But you got sued anyway. The End.

> PART ONE: CAN'T STOP THE RUSH!

MIKE: This better not be a bathroom humor story.

> Unbeknownst to those miserable Rescue
> Rangers, their reality was about to be torn
> about, and it would all start with the arrival
> of a new hero on the scene, someone who is
> superior to them in every way!

TOM: So Superman can now tear apart reality?

> This hero could out-invent Chip,

TOM: Yep, it's Superman.

> out-think Dale,

TOM: It's definately Superman.

> out-fight Gadget

CROW: I don't think it's Superman.
TOM: Sure it is!

> and out-fly
> Monty!

TOM: Oh, never mind. It's not Superman.

> Simply put, he's magnificient. He's the
> smartest, he's the strongest, he's the quickest,
> he's the best!

CROW: Ah, it's Danger Mouse!

> He is THE RUSH!
> And you CAN'T STOP THE RUSH!

TOM & CROW: Oh.
MIKE: Ya can't stop Sugar rushes, anyway.
CROW: Justaminute, I'm having a rush...

> The Rangers were solving a very difficult
> bank robbery, crimes commited by Fat Cat, the
> only enemy who could ever even come close to
> seriously injuring them. The fact that they
> were joined by Dumb Frog and Mademanna didn't
> help much despite them being 8-Bit Star's--
> err, I mean MY Avatar characters.

TOM: Well, Mademanna is *just* the definition of
"Helpful" ain't she?

> Currently, they were about to all be
> chopped to ribbons by a grinding machine,

CROW: Since they took Mademanna along, I'm
not surprised.

> and no one could help them, not even that
> floozy, Pennywinkel! Her powers of altering
> reality have been negated by a collor on her
> neck.

JOEL: Let me guess, the Fake 8-Bit writes for
X-Men.
MIKE: What's a "Collor?"
CROW: I think he meant to say "Color."
MIKE: So her abilities of thought are negated
by a color on her neck?
CROW: I guess.

> But who should pop in at the last minute
> and save everyone's behind but THE RUSH! He
> rushed in, rescued the Rangers, kicked Fat Cat's
> scrawny hide

JOEL: Now we're back in familiar 8-Bit Star
territory.

> all the way to the
> little old lady from Pasedena! Then he cut
> the Rangers loose.

MIKE: Footloose!

> He ran up to Gadget in his speedy little
> blur way, handed her a flower, and said "For you!"
> "Thanks, I love you," Gadget said. Chip got
> angry. Dale got angry.

CROW: This sounds like a level up on an old Role-
Playing Game.

> "Well," Rush said, "Chip, Dale, how did
> you like that? I, the Rush, just stood you up
> and commited an unsanitary act of INDUUUUULLLLGENCE!
> And I am about to INDUUULLLLGE even more!"
> The Rush rushed up to Mademanna, gave her a
> flower, and said "For you."
> "Thanks. I love you."
> He rushed back to the Chipmunks, "Hah! How
> do you like that? not only have I hit it off with
> Gadget, I hit it off with some other author's
> supporting character! Ha! ha ha! Top that! YOU
> CAN'T STOP THE RUSH!"

MIKE: So... Fake 8-Bit's avatar has a thing for
mice and children?
CROW: Mike, don't even mention it, it's making me sick.
TOM: Especially when you remember Mademanna's a robot.
CROW: Now -I'M- having a rush! [Leaves theatre, we hear
spewing sounds, Crow returns, rubbing his beak
with a moistened washcloth]

> Chip became noticeably more angry. Dale became
> noticeably more angry. Gadget became jealous.

TOM: Now Gadget's gaining levels!
CROW: Only a little more jealousy and she'll learn
the "Exit" spell!

> "If my services are needed again," The Rush
> said, "Shine this flashlight at anything, and I'll
> be there!"
> "Thanks, Rush!" Gadget said. Chip became
> tons more angry, Dale became tons more angry.
> Mademanna became jealous.

TOM: Monty became fat, Zipper craved dirt, that
pelican became sleepy, Fat Cat lost weight.
MIKE: Careful, those could almost be lines in
the story.
TOM: Oh.

> Dale suddenly yelled, "Nimnul's on a
> criem spree!"

TOM: Oh, you mean Nimnul's on a Cream Spree?
MIKE: No, I think it's "Nimnul's on a Crying
Spree!"
JOEL: Guys, Nimnul is so obviously on a Crane
Spree!
CROW: I wanna go on a shopping spree...

> "Well, what are we waiting for? Rangers
> away!"
> Within minutes, they were at the Dirty
> Battery Haredware Store and Malt Shop.

TOM: Oh, the "Haredware" shop. This must be
where you buy "collors."
CROW: Or a store that sells special accessory
rabbits, either way.

> As expected, Nimnul was robbing
> the place blind with his new universal see-
> through machine, which he could see through.
> Unfortunately people could see through to him
> to, but that didn't matter because they wouldn't
> be looking.

CROW: Because he was in his birthday suit!

> They would be too busy running away
> in fear of Nimnul and his see-through gun that
> no one knew he had.

JOEL: Which probably has see-through bullets that
make lots of see-through bullet holes.

> Nimnul spotted the Rescue Rangers as they
> came through the door.
> "Ahhh, the Rescue Rangers! I'm just gonna
> shoot you."

MIKE: Nimnul, your basic man of few words.
JOEL: [Nimnul] Why yes! I'm going to shoot you
with my invisible gun, you won't know what
hit you!

> "Oh my god he has an invisible gun!" Gadget
> thought, and unthinkingly shined the light of the
> signal in his eyes.
> And then who should appear but THE RUSH!
> And you CAN'T STOP THE RUSH!

JOEL: I just had an idea for a Superhero...
CROW: Oh no... what?
JOEL: You CAN'T BEAT THE BUSH!
CROW: Help me, somebody.

> "Aha, Nimnul is behind this! I knew it
> would happen months ago, because I'm really that
> fast, and will stop him, because you CAN'T STOP
> THE RUSH! But first..."
> He kissed both Gadget and Mademanna.

MIKE: At the same time?

> Dip
> Frog became angry at seeing some cocky jerk
> making passes at his daughter, Chip became tons
> more angry, Dale became tons more angry.

TOM: At this rate they might learn Meteo and kill
the Rush in about ten minutes.
CROW: So is "Dip Frog" Dumb Frog's father?

> Nimnul fired. The Rush was fast enough
> to run into the bullet's path. He was unphased,
> because he is The Rush, AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE
> RUSH! Within moments, he had devised a plan.
> He would up a bomb, one that could blow
> up the whole store. Unfortunately, the Rangers
> had all fallen in some Bubble Gum and were stuck.
> "Rush!" Gadget yelled, "Help us!"
> "Sure!" he said, taking his time. "Just
> so ya know, that bomb won't hurt me, I'm The
> Rush, and YOU CAN'T STOP THE RUSH!"

CROW: I'm becoming noticeably more annoyed.
TOM: Now Crow is gaining levels!
MIKE: My plan's working! When Crow learns
Ultima...
CROW: Which one? Exodus? The Black Gate?
Quest of the Avatar?
MIKE: I meant the *spell* Ultima.
CROW: So... Which game is that?
TOM: Its a typical anime-esque big explosion
magic spell in some dumb Squaresoft
game. Quit asking.
CROW: Sor-ry!

> As it was, the bomb went off early.

CROW: Destroying The Rush and saving the
world, the end.

> The Rangers were noticeably

TOM: More annoyed.

> kaput, and their universe was destroyed,
> now occupied only by The Rush, because
> YOU CAN'T STOP THE RUSH!

JOEL: Okay, we get it! Ya can't stop the
bleepin' Rush, get over it!
MIKE: They killed the Rangers! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

> PART TWO: THE MIND MEDIA OPENS!

TOM: Therefore expiring the warranty,
the end.

> Now, I would like for that to have
> been the end, but I haven't had enough fun,
> so bear with me.

TOM: To hell with you! This fanfic sucks in
every way the human imagination will allow,
and I hate you.

> Yea, well, I hate you too.

CROW: Well ain't that dan--HUH?! Guys!
the fanfic is talking to us!
MIKE: Cut it out, Crow.
CROW: No, really, the fanfic is talking
to us!
JOEL: Crow, did you eat too many sugary
treats again?
CROW: I'm not kidding! It really is talking
to us!

> Hahahaha, Why YES you insufferable boobs,
> I AM talking to you! I tire of you, I think
> I'll do the evilest thing I can!

[Joel, Mike, and the Bots get pulled into the
screen. Gypsy enters the empty room, and Magic
Voice tells her exactly what happened]

--

O-kay, I think we can drop the script format.

Now, now, how would this "Fake" 8-Bit Star
like it if I went under *his* name, stole *his*
characters, and killed *his* heroes? He'd probably
also be a vindictive brat.
Oh, I'm the *real* 8-Bit Star, and I'm not
a happy camper, now that some screwball has taken
my name and messed with *me!* I think this has
gone far enough, I will fight for justice! In the
name of overused lines, I will punish him!

--

[An evil laboratory somewhere. A villain sits,
Dr. Claw fashion, in a chair so that we can only
see his metallic arm]

FAKE 8-BIT: So, you want to play, do you? Well
then, it's time for some hardball
tactics...

--

PART THREE: BRIEF NORMALITY

The Rangers all woke up, and Chip, after
looking left and right, asked "Where are we?"
They found they were suddenly on a boat,
apparently a cruise ship. In fact, it seemed like
they had all died and went on the perfect cruise:
The sky was bright and sunny, and the other people
on this ship (there were many but not so many that
the ship felt crowded) seemed to not at all mind
their presence despite that they consisted of
(Now human-sized) rodents (well, this is discounting
Frog, Mademanna, and Pennywinkel of course, who
were now human sized humans and one human sized
robot).
Joel, Mike, and the Bots also awoke nearby,
and noticed the Rangers. Crow needlessly pointed
out "Hey! It's the Rescue Rangers!"
Dale needlessly pointed out that he thought
"The gumball machine and the thing with the beak"
were the oddest people he had ever seen.
Frog, being from a universe similar to ours,
recognized these people, and so sayeth "Those ain't
people, dem's robots! What a great koinkidink! Those
pipples are--"
"Us 'pipples'," Crow so sayeth, "Are capable
enough of introducing ourselves. I am Crow T. Robot,
this is Tom Servo, my inventor Joel Robinson, and my
human companion Micheal J. Nelson.
"And you're the Rescue Rangers plus three kids
made up by an author of fanfiction. And I know all your
names."
Chip thunked, and sayeth "I'm assuming you're
from an alternate universe, like them?" He indicated Frog
and co.
Joel took over before Crow could make more cynical
remarks "That's about the size of it. We're from--can
we go inside before we talk any farther?"
"Yea," Tom said, "That way, the gossip mongers
are sure to hear us and spread stories like wild. We'll
be lynchmobbed for sure! Great thinking, Joel!"
Then, suddenly, the sky turned black as night,
cloudy too, and had a full moon. Well, actually, that full
moon made it not quite that dark (Ya know, if there's alot
of mist on a full moon night, it would almost look like it
does when the sun is just rising) but it was still spooky,
especially when you take into account that all the people
except them disappeared.
"Actually, Joel," Tom said, reconsidering, "It may
be better if we went inside."
"Yea, Tom!" Crow said as they all started going
inside, "Never doubt the almighty Joel! Joel is GOD to
you! Never forget that!"
"Oh. Well... then who is Mike?"
"Umm... well, I've actually never given much
thought to that."
When they got inside, they discovered that the
hallway was large, large, LARGE! Okay, maybe not THAT
large, but it was surprisingly big considering it was a
hallway on a cruiseship. You'd think with about seventeen
people there at once, it would be crowded.
Anyway, almost immediately to the--which hand is
this?--left, they found a door, which led to a room, which,
despite the hallway, was normal sized. Therefore, it was
cramped. Well, the room itself wasn't cramped, but it kinda
has that effect on people (doesn't everybody?).
Well, they all found places, the men being nice
enough to let the girls sit on the one bed in the room
while they themselves sat on the floor (Joel and Chip
with their back to the door so no one and nothing could
break in--and so they wouldn't have to SCREAM ACROSS THE
ROOM LIKE THIS).
"Anyway," Joel explained (Great explanation, huh?)
"We're from a television show. The plot of it was that I
was put on this satellite by a mad scientist who wanted to
test his evil plan to take over the world using bad movies.
So he's having me watch these movies until I eventually
go crazy. It never works, mainly because between me and
my robots, we're always making too many cynical comments
to actually be affected that much, though some of them
are insanely horrible."
"So, let me get this strait... your show is about
watching movies?"
"Well, the main appeal is that we're doing something
many theatre-goers dream of doing--cracking jokes about
whatever it is they're watching. And people think it's
funny."
"If you say so."
They all sat silent and tense and silent and tense.
Then finally, Frog sayeth "I'm hungry. Can we find the
ship's galley and get something to chew on?"
"I second that emotion," Monterey Jack seconded
that emotion, "I want some chee-ee-EESE myself!"
"Whoa dude," Crow remarked, "Do you get off on
cheese or something?"
"Whadidyou say?"
"Ne'er mind that," Frog sayeth, "I think Monty's
right, we needs to eatses! And we need to brave whatever
dangers may be out there waiting to beat us bash us squish
us mash us and hurt us, to get our food!"
This had concerned Crow, who said "I dunno, I think
this carpet looks nutritious enough."
"Ah! Crow's starting to hallucinate!" Mike sayeth,
"Friends, we must get to the kitchen if we're to save this
young robot's life!"
So Joel and Chip got up, Mike picked up Crow (who
protested well into next fanfic) and everyone headed out
the door and into the hallway. When Crow seriously thought
and realized that there's no way anything can defeat such
a dang big group (or even just Pennywinkel alone) he
decided to walk.

Eventually they reached the kitchen, which was a few
floors below the rooms, and very big, with a huge table big
enough for all of them right down the middle. Joel, Monty,
and Mike volunteered themselves as chefs, mostly because
they had the most experience. Most of the others only knew
how to make certain foods (Frog) or couldn't cook well at
all (Gadget).
In the kitchen, they found more than enough supplies.
Heck, they were so stocked with provisions that they could
stay on this ship for three months, probably even three years,
even if they were liberal with their food supply. Most homeless
people only *dream* of a place like this.
So they decided they were gonna make a huge dinner for
everyone. Joel, checking the cupboards, discovered almost as
large stashes of candy and non-freezing food (Like Macaroni
and Cheese--the *good* kinds). He decided to save the candy
for desert.

"--So anyway," Gadget was explaining, "We found out
Pennywinkel was actually under the control of a ring, like
Frog was. Then we found out it was all the handiwork of
this guy named Miles Alpha. I forget the rest of the story."
"I don't" Chip said, remembering that he had been a
large part of that event, which he related to the audience.
"So," Crow remarked, "Basically, all sorts of
explosions happened and you lived happily ever after?"
"I suppose you could put it that way."
"So," Tom asked, "Frog, did you ever find that
Wishing Universe?"
"Unfortunately, not yet. I have several ideas for
how to get there, but they all involved Sci-Fi gizmos."
"I see."
"Hey, it looks like lunch is ready," Pennywinkel
pointed out, seeing silver platters being prepared. Monty
came out, and laid down the plates. He came back out again
to lay down the silverware, and the last time with the other
two chefs to lay down the food.
Then they all sat down at the rectangular table, each
person sitting with their spective group (Except that Mademanna
was on the very end, Pennywinkel was with the MST3K group,
next to Mademanna, and Frog was with the Rangers, also next
to Mademanna. Somehow though, I doubt anyone really cares).
Monty went for anything Cheesy. Frog went for Macaroni and
Cheesy, Pennywinkel generally stuck to vegetables with *some*
meat. Mademanna ate whatever, Gadget ate whatever tasted like
tank fuel, Chip and Dale ate like boys, Crow and Tom ate meat,
Mike ate whatever, and Joel had made waffles for himself.
Zipper buzzed.
And while I'm not sure how much anyone really cares
about anyone else's eating habits, I like Cocoa Pebbles, but
besides that, you're going to hear about the tasty parts in
the next chapter.

PART FOUR: THE INTOXICATING EFFECTS OF CANDY

Betcha mommy never told you about those.
Everyone munched politely, except for those who
didn't. Within minutes, everyone was ready for second,
third, fourth, fifth, and eight courses. Okay, maybe
not that many, but armies across the world were getting
envious anyway, and this chapter may have been their
revenge.
Okay, eventually the participants in this Fanfic
Rendition of the Next-to-Last Dinner got around to the
really good stuff: the candy. The candy. THE CAAAAAANDYYYYY!
The candy consisted of all sorts of chocolates, and things
that weren't chocolate which weren't worth mentioning just
because. Well, okay, there were Ring Pops too, and some
tasty flavorful things that tasted and looked like children's
vitamins but weren't vitamins.
"Pass the chocolate!" Dale commandeth.
"Pass the Ring Pops!" Mademanna requesteth!
"Pass the sugar dip!" Frog sayeth.
"What the heck is sugar dip?" Chip wondered.
"It's a dip full of sugar." Pennyinkel informed
him.
"But why would he want *Dale*?" Chip asketh, suddenly
afraid that Frog might be what he thinks he might be which
he very well might be (And at this point who knows what that
might be?).
"Hey, who ya callin' a dip?" Dale sayeth, throwing
an egg (which he layed himself) at Monty who caught it and
sploshed it right into Chip's face.
Chip retaliated by picking up Monty (Who he layed
himself) and throwing him at Gadget who caught him and
splashed him in Dale's face, and all was even.
"Ahhh, the Reeeeescue Rangers" Tom said, in a manner
that made it sound like he was talking in French, "What peaceful,
loving creatoors these things are!"
"Ya know, he's right," Mike pointed out.
"Hey, I wonder what would happen if I did *this*!"
Crow sayeth, right before getting the whole bowl of M&Ms and
throwing them at the Rangers, who weren't ticked because they
caught *all* of them in their mouths, but they retaliated anyway.
This got things underway, and before long Monty was
trying to choke Crow who desperately wanted to kill Chip who
found he had a drunken crush on Pennywinkel (Who was as far
away from the table as she could get without leaving the
room at this point) and also a drunken crush on Gadget who
suddenly found out she had a maniacal tendancy for having
maniacal tendancies, most of which involved wanting to kill
people. Meanwhile, Mademanna was being manacled by the
ever-caring Pennywinkel and Frog found he had a thing for
Lederhosen despite not even knowing what that is.
All the while, Joel and Mike talked about their
experiences, while Tom continued talking in English-that-
sounds-like-French.
"Ahh, the natural beauty of the wild animal kingdom..."
"So, Mike... Oh, Crow's coming toward ya, you better
watch your head." Mike ducked, "I invented this process that
was a mix between Waffles and Pancakes... and made a flat waffle."
"Oh, cool. I once invented--Hey look, Chip and Gadget
are having a domestic quarrel, cute isn't it?--Anyway, I once
invented a device to shave back hair."
"You mean it exists?"
"Yep."
"Oh, Ring Pop alert." Both Joel and Mike grabbed
one, all the rest missed or bounced off.

Pennywinkel, having taken a sample of food for
analysis before evacuating, discovered what was wrong.
Apparently, this was the kind of nonexistant candy that
had nonexistant dangerous effects. So, they were rather
nonexistantly doing a good job.

While this was happening, the moozak was starting
up, and even the turkey which was missing a leg had decided
to stand up and do the polka.

"--So anyway, Widget was trying to kill Gadget,
because they had names that ended with 'dget' and were
both named after things no one could think of decent
names for, but Gadget sounds cooler and has more boyfriends
so Widget was--"
"Wait," Mike sayeth, "Are we still talking about
Under the Bridge? Or is this Rhyme & Reason?"
"No, Rhyme & Reason is where Chip has to seduce a
serial killer who can't write cohensibly."
"Oh."

As there was no danger, and they could go too far,
Tom and Crow decided to just through anything they could get
their mits on, wether it be eggs, M&Ms, Joel, or any other
inanimate objects.

And where was Zipper during all this? Let's let him
sum it up in his own words:
"Bzzzz bz bzzz bzzzz BZZZZ, bzz bz bzzzz, BZZZZ bzz
bzzz bz bz bz. *Bz* bzz bzzz bzzz bzbzbzbzbzbzbbzbzbz bzbzzzzz!"
There you have it folks.

Pennywinkel eventually borrowed an idea from an old
fairy tale, and pulled out her own personalized magic flute.
Playing it, she led the others back to their room. The whole
time she had to put up with them acting like kids on Barney
(Bad singing and all) and ended up feeling like a total idiot
for even being in this situation.
Finally when she closed the door, everyone suddenly
snapped back into normality.
"What happened?" Chip asked. Pennywinkel quickly
explained what had happened.
"Ah, sinister forces at work, eh?" Tom Servo sayeth.
"Yea," Pennywinkel sayeth, "In any case, we all
should bathe this food off. Good health brings good luck
ya know. The girls will bathe over here, and the guys over
there, is that all right?"
Crow suddenly got less-than-pure thoughts, and said
"Ummm... I technically don't have a gender..."
"In that case, you're a guy. Now get. Come on girls."
Pennywinkel led the other two girls into *their* showers which
were just off the side of the screen, on the other side of a
door. Crow had to get pulled away, saying "Waaa! Wanna bathe
with the girls, WANNA BATHE WITH THE GIIIIIRRRRRRLLLLLS!"
"What his problem?" Mademanna asked as she began to
remove her jacket.
"He's a guy," Pennywinkel explained, "Guys are wierd
like that."
"Why?"
"Because no guy has ever really evolved since barbarian
times."
"Now that's harsh!" Gadget complained, wearing a huge
censor bar as to not raise the rating of this fanfic.
"Maybe so, but anyway..."

I eventually ran out of censor bars and thus had to skip
ten minutes. That means of course that all the male readers were
disappointed, but that's their problem. If you want that kind
of stuff, look it up on the internet, that's what I'm doing...
... Waitaminute...

Anyway, when they all came out (Fully clothed. Apparently
the bathrooms all have these machines that wash, rinse, and dry
cloths in under less than under a second or less. It's really
useful, every spooky and possibly haunted ship should have one)
and re-entered the room, they all found they were so shiny they
could barely look at each other without the peril of going blind-
-Well, Pennywinkel had anticipated this, and had worn shades.
Then a viewscreen popped up on the wall, containing
a skinny, pink haired anime-style kid, who apparently also
couldn't stand the brightness. But he, being me, had shades
that he being me quickly slipped on.
"Hi guys," I sayeth, "Hey everyone, I'm 8-Bit Star, a
writer of fanfiction."
"That's nice," Chip sayeth, "But what's going on?"
"Oh, fine, impatient leettle cheeepmunk."
"I didn't mean any--"
"Neither did I. In any case, What's going on, is that
someone is trying to kill you guys. Their first attempt failed,
thankfully..."
"Yea, what the heck happened?" Crow asked.
"Well, The Rangers--and you--*were* supposed to die,
die and be dead as in being not alive, as in being dead, but
I saved you."
"What?!" asked a rooster as he cocked his head.
"What?!" asked a man as he lied in bed.
"What?!" asked the wife who recieved the awful truth.
"What?!" said the ostrich with the big gold tooth.
"What?!" asked the little girl with the bonnet on her head.
"What?!" asked the cat who was pretending to be dead.
"What?!" asked everyone in the room.
"It's simple really, how I stopped your doom. Ya see,
the whole 'The RUSH!' thing that was going on earlier was really
badly written and inconsistent. This meant that I could make
anything I want, happen, and as there was no logic to dictate
stuff like this, it would work. So I ended up transporting you
to relative safety in another universe, where you shall reside
until I and some others get yours rebuilt. However, apparently
the Fake 8-Bit Star has found you and so I've got a heckuva job."
"Who's 'Fake' 8-Bit Star?" Gadget asked.
"The sucker who's pretending to be me."
"Why would someone do that?"
"Because that way, he enters the fanfiction ring with
some leverage, which allows him certain liberties."
"So then, why does he intentionally call himself a fake?"
"He doesn't, I cleverly slipped that in just in the nick
of time."
"Uh-huh," Chip sayeth, "But let's not go on any more
about the Fake, after all, we don't even know much about *you*.
If you're such a big shot--"
"Ah ah ah! I never claimed to be big. I'm actually
just up and coming."
"--Well, anyway, what are you credited with?"
So I sigheth, and pointeth to Frog, Pennywinkel, and
Mademanna, and sayeth "I am their creator."
Everyone was shocked. Everyone except for Mike, Joel,
Crow, and Tom Servo (who had known this for a long time) and
also Pennywinkel, who said "Ya know, why did I see that one
coming?"
"It's called predictability. I've got it in clubs."
"Yea. You would say spades but you've run out of
those."
"Something akin to the distant cousin of the third
relative of an ancestral bloodline leading back to the fourth
dynasty twice removed of that, anyway."
Pennywinkel was secretly thinking "No wonder Frog
usually gets the glory."
"Anyway," Chip interrupted, "How do we--"
"Oh, 8-Bit," Pennywinkel sayeth, "Chip is going to
want you to prove that you're the real 8-Bit Star and not
the fake."
"--Yea, what she said."
So I thinketh, and thinketh, and then I sayeth "Right!
I've got the perfect thing to prove all perfect things!"
Then I began singing any obscure theme song I could
remember, because no one but me will have heard these obscure
theme songs. Then I got into a Usenet debate about why Squaresoft
is evil and why Filmation was actually a danged good animation
company. This of course meant nothing to the Rangers, but it
proved everything to the MST3K crowd.
"Okay! We believe you!" Crow sayeth.
"Good," I sayeth back, "I just wanted to say, I don't
think the situation is normal on board that ship. In fact, I
have every reason to believe you are not alone. I warn you:
Do not seperate for any reason. And, you guys have seen horror
movies, and thus you all should know what stupid things to avoid
doing. Don't do stupid things.
"Woops, my time is almost up. Ya see I have to cause
stretches of believability before I can openly communicate with
you guys, and if I stretch it too long, all the believability
disappears and the Fake is free to ravage and pillage at will.
"One last warning: Please don't eat the DAAAAAIIIIISIEEEES.
Oh, and don't eat the candy, either. I think someone drugged it."
Then I fades out.

PART FIVE: THE MOON ATTACKS!

Chip thunked about my advice, and had formed a
plan to secure an area of the ship. "First we establish
the obvious: this room is our base." He sayeth to all
around him. "Now, I say we should explore around outside.
All agreed? All opposed?"

The only ones "Opposed" were Frog and Dale, being
the only absolute morons on board. Needless to say, Frog
and Dale had formed a close friendship.
"Dale," Frog said, "I don't know how to say this,
but... but I..."
No, not *That* kind of close friendship!
"Oh."
In any instance, Frog, being a known capable fighter,
was assigned to guard part of the parameter of the area
everyone was looking over. He was glad he had Dale as
company, but that didn't help matters. He couldn't help
seeing the occasional shadow, or the constant feelings of
being watched.
Chip had devided the jobs. Anyone who could fight
was assigned to guard, anyone who could think was assigned
to search for anything suspicious. The exceptions were
Dale, who was incapable of doing anything useful, Pennywinkel,
who had dual roles, and Mademanna, whom was with Chip. Chip's
own role was to be the overseer, and the person everyone would
report to if anything was found or if they felt they should
bring something to his attention. Mademanna, it turned out,
had great computing power and thus would be helpful for this
kinda job, besides that there was little reason for her to
be investigating and no reason whatsoever for her to be fighting.
Being a robot, she had incredible strength, but she was also
totally non-violent, and would only attack if her survival
depended on it.
Next you're going to be wanting me to write blueprints
for her, right?
Oh, about Frog, as I said, he was nervous from ear to
ear (Toon Disney does that to you) and couldn't help but
think someone, or something, was waiting just beyond his
sight, which came and went.
On a whim, he turned and looked up at the Moon, and
stared in surprise and near-panic for a few seconds.
Fortunately Dale was nearby to snap him out of it.
"Frog?"
Frog snapped out of it, and said "Dale, get Chip."
"Uhh, okie doke!" And Dale went to get Chip (Or maybe
he went to get a beer, but for the sake of keeping this
thing coherent let's just say he went strait to Chip).
"Chip, Frog has something he wants to show ya."
"Probably a suspicious hairball," Chip said to himself,
but he went over to see what it was anyway. When he got there,
Frog pointed upwards and said "Look."
Chip did, but didn't see anything suspicious. Sure, the
clouds were spooky, but on a full-moon night...
Then he saw it: The moon. For some reason, it seemed
as if it were actually an eye of some sort rather than the
moon. But Chip remembered they were in another universe,
maybe this is natural?
He, however, suddenly found he did not want to spend
another minute outside the ship, and sayeth to everyone
"We're going back in!"
So everyone was heading back inside, except Frog,
who Chip had to come get.
"But the moon!"
"Blast the moon!" Chip said, and angrily walked away.
Before he had taken five stomps, however, he heard Frog
yell "Kamehameha!" and fire a blast up at the moon.
"You idiot!" Chip yelled, "I didn't mean literally!"
"Oh," Frog sayeth, trying to look innocent.

The Moon took the full force of the blast, but didn't
get deliberated like we all had hoped. Instead it got really,
really mad, I lost my sanity.
"What?!" Said a man who rose from the dead.
"What?!" Said the wife who didn't enjoy bed.
"What?!" Said he who became the wall.
"What?!" Said he, come to destroy us all.
"What?!" Said the magnificient midget man.
"What?!" Said the guy with the really nice tan.
But the explanation isn't as complicated as these stupid
people would love to claim. It's actually quite simple: If
you had nothing better to do than hang up in the sky so that
some dumb kid could shoot you, Wouldn't you be peeved?
But *this* moon had developed a plan for just such an
occasion. Within minutes, it had jumped from it's place in
the stars (being replaced by a *normal* moon) and had digivolved
into...
... The AMAZING MOON MOLECULE MAN!!!
The AMMM landed smack in the water, which couldn't be
very deep because it only went up to his stomach, but that's
considering that the AMMM is bigger than the ship... Okay,
maybe it *is* that deep, but at least we now know it *does*
have a bottom!
The AMMM let out the best roar a man with no mouth can,
and proceeded to beat the ship, trying to smash the crew,
but oddly never damaging either one.
This commotion stirred up commotion in the bottom of
the sea which was full of commotion, and out of the commotion
of the commotion of the commotion came Reptilian Talking Hand
Man, singing "Oh I am the Griiii-ther!" (You're gonna have to
have seen Tales From the Darkside: The Movie to get that one).
He was almost the same size as AMMM, whom he went over to and
asked "What's up, Bill?"
AMMM turned to him, made a few hand gestures, then
pointed at the ship.
"Hmm, I see, these little people that troublesome, eh?
Well, hope you get rid of them, I'm goin' back to bed. Not
safe at night, ya know!" And the Reptilian Talking Hand Man
dunked back under, the AMMM resumed it's course of beating
on a ship.
"Look what you've done now!" Chip said to Dale.
"Me! I didn't do nuthin'! Frog's the one that
blasted it!"
"I know, but Frog ran and hid, you're the only scapegoat
I've got left!"
"Oh, right."
So they ran, and almost ran back into the ship, and
themselves ran smack dab into a black-wearing caped figure
dressed completely in black with a black cape and hair who
was color-coded black. Of course neither Dip nor Chale
recognized him, so they asked "Who are you?"
"Who am I? WHO AM I?!?!... are you serious? You
REEEEEEALLY want to know?"
"Uh-huh."
"Okay. AMMM, go away!"
And the AMMM made a salute, and walked away... and
fell over a drop-off, to never be seen again until I decide
its convenient for the plot.
So then the black caped figure wearing black dressed
in black said "I am the evil Demon Master Mind, but you can
call me Dimm."

PART SIX: THE EVIL DEMON MASTER MIND

"Demon Master Mind?" Chip asked.
"Dimm for short?" Dale added.
"Yes," Dimm confirmed, "I also accesorise easily and
taste like lolipops with an IQ of 300 and the strength and
power of twelve Skeletors combined."
Well, Chip and Dale weren't sure what to make of this,
as they had never tasted lolipops with IQs of 300 and the
strength of twelve Skeletors combined, but they imagined,
but this guy's taste was hardly their problem.
"Is there a *reason* you're called the Demon Master
Mind?"
"I hoped you'd ask! Rise my pretties, RISE!"
And he did the Prime Evil thing (Prime Evil being a
villain on Filmation's version of Ghostbuster who had this
cool arm motion he did whenever he did something cool) and
suddenly the Chipmunks saw all these skeletons rise out of
the ground.
"Dance my pretties, DANCE!"
And the skeletons did all sorts of funny dances, one
even used another skeleton as a pogo stick...

And then Frog, who had been listening in, said "Hey,
this looks like The Skeleton Dance projected on a really big
screen."
"Thank you, but next time shut the hell up," Dimm said.
"In any case, this is only a taste of my TRUE POWER! Because
I am the Demon Master Mind! I am stronger than the scent of
twelve cinnamon candles! I am smarter than even *two* average
bears! I am--"
"The biggest blabbermouth in this universe." Chip adlibbed.
"--The biggest... Hey, that wasn't nice! GET THEM, MY
PRICKIES!"
And the stock footage suddenly turned into real live
skeletons doing real live silly dances! Suddenly, every guy
on board was running THIS way, except for that guy over there
who ran THAT way.
And then there was Sammy Spammy, the Skeleton with the
choking hazard sign with which he was granted the strength of
*ten* such feeble, brittle fools (and almost as much intelligence).
He used his choking hazard sign on Chip, on Dale, on Frog, on
a pail, on stars upon thars, on a mouse in a house. He used
his sign here and there, he would use it anywhere! (Did I
mention Sammy Spammy originally was going to be cast as a
monster for Sailor Moon? What? Oh, sure, I'm making it up,
but it's THE TRUTH!!!)
Finally, I appeared on a viewscreen, and seeing Sammy
Spammy, I used my all powerful twisted all powerful powers of
being all powerfully powered, and made my own Anti-Skeleton
SprayPaint! I distributed this to Chip and Dale as a free
sample (everyone else had to pay $50 cents--what can I say,
cookies weren't selling) and suddenly this boat decided it
no longer liked the very skeletons it once adored, so they
all jumped right off the boat.
"You foo-els!" Cried the Demon Master Mind, "Come
back here and kill our enemies!"
As he was saying this, all his enemies ran past him
and into that hallway from a few chapters ago.

PART SEVEN: FUN WITH CELLPHONES

"Drat!" Said Dimm as all his enemies narrowly
escaped his wrath. Then his cell phone rang.
"Hello?" he answered.
"Hey, I'm the kid with no name, just got out of
the rain."
"Yea, and?"
"Who is this?"
"The Demon Master Mind, may I enquire why?"
"I wondered if you might be able to answer a question."
"Shoot."
"What do you do with a drunken sailor?"
Dimm thunked, and couldn't really say. He had an idea,
but he had no idea how to put it into words in the boundaries
of a G-Rating, which is fine because this is a PG fanfic anyway,
but I'll let the loser figure that out for himself. Finally he
answered "I dunno, ask Pennywinkel."

Hiding in a room on a ship full of rooms, Chip was
breathing hard, Dale was doing his damndest to keep him alive,
healthy, wealthy, and wise, but Chip almost immediately recovered
when his cellphone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hey, I'm the kid with no name, and I've got a question
for a Pennywinkel."
So Chip opened the door and called out "Pennywinkel,
telephone!"
Pennywinkel, in another door in another room with
another door, picked up her cellphone (and no I don't know
where they get these cellphones either) and answered "Yes?"
"What do you do with a drunken sailor?"
"Is he your boyfriend?"
"YES!!!"
Pennywinkel already knew her answer. "Well, you... are
you in a bar?"
"A red light district, why?"
"Well, you'll notice that the floor is very distinctly
made of concrete. Now, what you do is take your drunk sailor
boyfriend, pick him up... then bash his head into the floor about
fifteen times, at which point he should sober up. Now of course
this part is simply there to sober him up, the next part is to
teach the bloody bastard never to drink again..."

Dimm was flying through the hallways, and he heard
Pennywinkel's telephone conversation. Fascinated, he began
listening in.

"...Now that he's sober, we're gonna take a club to his
neck. Hit him hard, but not in a way where it'll knock him out.
He *will* be incapacitated. Now that he is, use a knife--or
even better, a magic marker--and draw something on his stomach.
Hex marks work perfectly, but if you want the full effect, you
should draw a portrait of Hello Kitty. The guy will then feel
his dignity has been stripped of him and will probably take his
own life, but hell, he was a drunk sorry bastard anyway, right?"
"Yep. I sure hope my wife doesn't do this."
"You have a wife?"
"Uh-huh."
"And yet you're dating a drunken sailor?"
"Yep."
"And he's your boyfriend?"
"True."
"What's your wife's phone number?"
"[Sorry, this is classified info, you'll have to guess]."
"Thanks, bye."
"Hey, wait!"
But Pennywinkel just hung up the phone. She then dialed
the number given, and said "Hello? Yes, I just wanted to say
I recieved a phone call from your husband, and I think you
should know..."
"Oh, Janice, you mean?" said the lady on the other
side of the phone. "She does that when she gets drunk, don't
worry about her."
"Uhhh, right. Sorry to bother you." Pennywinkel
abruptly hung up.

At this moment, Dimm decided this girl was crazier
than he ever wanted to know, and himself went to hide. He
then recieved another cell phone call.
"Yes?"
"Me again. Hey, did you know there's a girl named
Pennywinkel on your ship?"
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"I was quite unaware. What was she like."
"Oh she was sooo wonderful! You really oughtta meet
her. Hey, I just went to Ben Stenner's Video Rental Place,
and I was wondering if I could come to your guy's place and
have a movie marathon."
"Oh, what movies did ya rent?"
"I rented out the whole damn store!"
"Ah, how nifty! Well, sure, if you can find a way
over here, let's bash! Call the others and let them know."
"Okay, bye!"

Gadget's cell phone rang.
"Yes?"
"Hey, is Frog there?"
"Sure, justaminute. Frog, it's for you."
"Hello?"
"Hey, Frog?"
"Yes."
"Dumb Frog?"
"Yes."
"Hey, I'm the kid with no name and I'm coming over
to the ship you guys are on to have a movie marathon. Should
I pick up some popcorn?"
"I don't like Popcorn personally, but you better because
I have a feeling the stuff on this ship is unsafe."
"Oh, good. Well, tell your friends that the kid with
no name is coming over to your universe with a ton of movies
and we're gonna have a bash, okay?"
"Right. bye."
"Who was it, Frog?"
"The kid with no name. He's gonna bring over lots of
movies. I gotta tell the others."
So Frog got up, opened the door, and yelled out "Hey
everyone, the kid with no name wants to have a movie bash in
this universe!"
"Yay!" said the intelligent people on board.
"Yay!" said the monsters who felt so adored.
"Yay!" said the horse with no name.
"Yay!" said the girl from Santa Fame.
"Yay!" says me.
"Yay!" says Mr. G (who's Mr. G?).

Then suddenly, Scaly Fish Dude's cell phone rang.
"Grrrrwl?"
"Yes, I'm having a problem."
"Grwl?"
"Well, I was driving down to your guys' place, but
there's this crashed van in the rode."
"Grrrrrrrrwwwwwwwl?"
"Why, yes, I do have a bazooka, in fact."
"Grrrwl?"
"No, it is not licensed."
"Grrrwl! Grwl Grrrwl GRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWLLLLL!!!"
"Oh, blast it off the road! I had never considered
that! Thanks dude!"
"Grl grl grwl."
And he hung up.

Then finally, *my* Cell phone rang, which was odd because
I don't *have* a cellphone, but I answered anyway.
"Yes."
"I'm having a problem."
"What?"
"How do you get to Mind Media?"
So I sighed, and said "Where are you?"
"I'm at a fork in the road, one sign says 'To Final Origin'
another sign says 'To Channels of Time'."
"Take the one that says 'To Final Origin' you should see
a multiplex of roads, one of them leads to Mind Media. Oh, and
don't worry if you run over Dastardly and Muttley, they're used
to it."
"Thanks!"
And I hung up.

PART EIGHT: SEARCH FOR AN AVATAR

Then all the Rangers, the MST3K guys, and Frog
and co. ran back into that one room that they all ran
into not to long ago, and I appeared on the holographic
viewscreen which itself holographically appeared on the
wall.
"Hey guys!" I said, "I found out something!
There's a guy named the Demon Master Mind, Dimm for short,
on the ship. Dimm... ya know how many bad puns we could
make out of that?"
"YES!" Chip said, "Do you have a plan?!"
"Do *I* have a plan? Do you *think* I have a
plan?"
"No."
"Well, if I didn't have a plan, you'd be right,
but as it is, I *do* have a plan, IdoIdoIdo!"
"Spill it!"
"It's really quite simple. Dimm-minded is really
my evil counterpart's avatar character. Now, this is
problematic, because I myself technically don't *have*
an Avatar character..."
"*ahem*" Mike pointed out Frog, Pennywinkel, and
Mademanna.
"... An author original character and an Avatar
character are *not* the same thing."
"Sure they are!"
"No, they're not."
"Sure they are!"
"No, they're not."
"Sure they are!"
"Look, I'm getting tired of the repetitive style
of humor in this fanfic. They're *not* and that's a proven
fact. The only way they could become an avatar character
is if they completed the Quest of the Avatar, even then
they'd still be second-rate compared to that Wescott guy."
"Get to the point!" Chip said impatiently.
"Well, to combat an *evil* Avatar character, I
myself need a *good* avatar character, and, after a hard
hour's thinking, I've come to a conclusion..."
Everyone listened eagerly.
"And I conclude..."
The tension was building.
"That to decide..."
The tension had peaked.
"The identity of my Avatar..."
The tension is annoying.
"I'd do something simple."
"WHAT?!" Everyone exclaimed.
"Simple, I'll put the decision off on *you* guys!"
and with that, I threw a bottle out of my holographic viewscreen
and into Chip's paws. "Now," I continued, "When *you* guys
decide who the avatar should be, you just have to knock them
over the head with that their wine bottle that is really full
of water. Don't worry, Avatars are never out for long, maybe
forever at most. Well, see ya." And I flipped out.
"Gee," Chip said cynically, "Your friend 8-Bit Star
is sure a big help, isn't he?"
"He's always like that," Joel defended, "Useless as
heck, but at least he gave us *something*."
"Hey," Crow said, "Why don't you just break the bottle
on *everyone's* head?"
"Because there's only one bottle," Tom Servo stated.
"Oh please, Minor Logistic Problems like that haven't
stopped this fanfic yet."
Tom Servo began to retort, but then he realised Crow
had a point, and said "Bash us, BASH US ALL!!!"
"Calm down you two!" Both Joel and Mike stated at the
same time. "In any case, 'Minor Logistics Problems' is not
a proper noun, so it needs not be capitalized."
"Yes it does." Crow argued.
"Why?"
"Because Minor Logistics Problems *is* a proper noun.
It's a category of Logistics Problems."
"Uhh, guys, shouldn't we be, ya know, seeing who the
Avatar is?" Mike said. Joel, Crow, and Tom all looked at him,
and said "Sure."
Frog ran up to Chip, and said "I'll do it, I'll be
the Avatar!"
"No, I'm more durable," Pennywinkel said, "I'll do
it."
"Stop!" Chip said. "Look, I realise that we're all
eager to help, but I've read the Mary Sue Litmus Test and I
must warn you that becoming an avatar will require a huge
sacrifice on the part of anyone who is chosen. You will lose
all dignity, honor, and respect. You will become a tool
for some author to live his strange sick fantasies, and your
life will no longer be yours..."
"In that case, I recede," Pennywinkel said.
"Me too," Frog said.
"I was *kidding*!" Chip said. "That 8-Bit Star joker
would no more use you as a means for his sick fantasies than
he would actually learn to write, in any case..."
Chip didn't get to finish his sentence, because then
the lights went out, a woman screamed, and two guns blazed in
the dark. When the lights came back on, they saw an old western
playing. Oh, and Gadget, Mademanna, and Pennywinkel were missing,
and I'm not even going to speculate on how "Frustrated" that'll
make the guys (well, except Frog, because he's *Still* impotent).

PART NINE: DIMM'S GIRL TROUBLE AND OTHER ANTICS

When Gadget, Pennywinkel, and Mademanna--actually,
Mademanna's been awake for awhile--Right, when Gadget and
Pennywinkel woke up, they found they were in a big, square
room on the big, boat-shaped boat. None of them were shackled
or anything like that, in fact, Mademanna had a rubix cube
she was toying with.
"Ahh, you're awake," Dimm sayeth.
"What do you want?" Gadget demanded.
"Well... okay, I know this'll sound wierd, but as you
know, I'm an Avatar. Now, to retain my status, I have to fall
in love with one of you girls and get one of you to fall in
love with me, so..."
Quite angrily, they jumped on him and started beating
him left and right while chattering about how they'd never
allow theirselves to marry this infinite loser. then they
sat down, calmly, and decided to hear what he had to say,
just for laughs.
"As I was saying" said a now-bruised Dimm, "To be a
truely evil avatar character, I must make one of you girls
fall in love with me. Now..."
Before the two could start another round of "Kill the
lecher," two monsters grabbed them from behind. Pennywinkel
didn't struggle, she knew she could get away whenever she wanted
to, and besides, it was Gadget's turn in the spotlight.
Gadget didn't get to escape, why? Because it was
convenient for my next couple of lame gags.
"Now, Gadget," said Dimm, "Will *you* accept!"
Gadget said something, but it was muffled by the hand
over her mouth.
"Oh, so sorry to hear that. I guess I'll have to see
about this girl, then." Which is kinda sad because Gadget
actually said "Actually yea I would go out with you I mean
for awhile I was flirting with two stupid chipmunks but they're
both morons just one is even moreso and the other is just so
anal he grates my nerves..."
Hey, HEY! I was *joking*!
So Dimm said "What do you say, Miss Pennywinkel?"
Pennywinkel didn't hesitate to be mean to the guy.
"Excuse me, me and a bad guy? Only one villain ever
got me to even want to, and he had to use mind control! And
even if you were a good guy I wouldn't consider it, because
I don't have, want, or need a boyfriend, and if I ever decide
otherwise, I've got a large pool of boys to choose from, especially
considering that of all three of the girls in this fanfic only
two are old enough to be dating anyway (Considering that there
are at least nine guys to choose from and only five that any
non-wierdo would consider, that really means something). And
besides that, knowing you villains, Dates would lead to marriage
which would lead to [Censored] and [censored] and I frankly don't
think I want to carry around your ugly, deformed mutant baby."
Then Dimm broke down, started crying, and then said
"I guess I have no other choice..."
Then he handed Mademanna an X-Men plushie (His previously
mentioned "Ugly, deformed mutant baby") and said "I know you're
too young to understand, but will you please carry this?"
"Uhhh... sure."
The plush Wolverine said, in an authentic Wolvie voice,
"Mama."
Mademanna squeezed it, and said "How cute!"

Meanwhile, the rest of the main cast was looking for the
missing girls, and had stupidly decided to split up. Well, it
wasn't *intentional* but they were being chased by monsters (and
yes they *Did* try to pull off their masks) and went running in
all different directions, Chip, Dale, and Zipper went one way,
and were the *Red* team. Mike, Crow, and Servo went another
way, and were the *Blue* team. Joel, Frog, and Monty went
another way, and were the *green* team.

The *Red* team (Chip, Dale, and Zipper) were being chased
by a Muscular Ferocious Frog Thing, and had run into the hallway
of the Quint-closed door. Now, the concept of the Quint-Closed
Door is going to take some explaining, much like everything else
in this fanfic, but this even moreso. You see, there were these
five doorways, two on the left, two on the right, and one at the
end of the hall. However only one door covers them all. On
this door there were three knobs on each side, one on the left,
one on the right, and one in the middle of the door. The door
opens *Outward* but in a different direction depending on which
knob you use. If you use the *right* doorknob for example and
there is a doorway on the *left*, then the door opens, then
closes again, now covering the doorway to the left. The *middle*
knob makes it flip over to the doorway across the hall.
Chip, Dale, and Zipper quickly figured this out, and
it was causing them some difficulties for a few seconds, especially
with how many times that monster almost got them, which was made
up by how many times the door quickly and indescriminately konked
the monster. Door to the left, Door to the right, Day destroys
the night, and night devides the day, try to run, try to hide,
Break on through, to the other side! (Tell me if you actually
understand this pointless reference).
At one point, the monster decided to just *hold on* to
the door. At that same moment, the Red Team members decided they
would keep hiding in different doorways, as now that door was
so wacky wild kool-aid style that it was even beyond their control.
So Chip, Dale, and Zipper were running randomly into different
doorways while that door, controlled by the knob-turning monster,
was flipping out. Finally they all ran into the doorway at the
end of the hall, and the door flipped there, trapping them.
The monster, however, was hanging on the *outside*. Chip,
quicking thinkly, pulled the middle knob, and the monster found
himself flipping all the way down the length of the hallway
until it made a new doorway in the end. The monster was
destroyed.

Mike, Crow, and Servo had gotten themselves into another
hallway, being chased by some Power Ranger reject Spider Monster.
At the end of the hallway, they too found a door, but theirs was
a normal door, which revealed a normal button, which quite normally
read "Push button if you need help and are being chased by Power
Ranger reject Spider Monsters, signed, 8-Bit Star."
"Yay! He came through for us after all!" Crow cheered.
So Mike pushed the button, which made all these big old
switches appear along the length of both sides of the hallway.
"Okay, maybe he didn't," Crow regretted.

But Mike broke into song (to the tune of "Stop the Pigeon"
the theme song to Dastardly and Muttley), and said:
"Crow, don't just stand there, give it your best!
If you think this is bad then surely you jest,
I sure there must be some purpose somewhere,
So let's all start here and
Pull the switches,
Pull the switches,
Pull the switches,
Pull the switches,
PULL THE SWITCHES
*HOW*?!?!
Leftways, Rightways,
Upways, Downways,
Pull the switches NOW!"
And he continued singing this song,
someone somewhere was having a bong,
and they kept saying it wouldn't be long,
while he, Crow, and Servo sang their song and
Pulled the switches,
Pulled the switches,
Pulled the switches,
Pulled the switches,
PULLED THE SWITCHES
HOW?
Upways, Downways,
All ways, no ways,
Pull the switches NOW!

Okay, I think that's enough of the singing. Anyway,
they pulled the switches, each time getting some sort of item
like a heart, star, Varia Suit, Piece of Triforce, green clover,
blue diamond, or purple horseshoe.
Finally Mike pulled the last remaining switch, getting
the last remaining piece of Triforce, and handed it to Tom who
had been putting them all together while he pulled the switches,
pulled the switches... yea, well, anyway, the Triforce started
glowing, and Tom sayeth "Hey guys, look at this!"
"Wow!" Crow said, "It's a thing! A Mega-Thing!"
"No, it's an interocitor!" Tom complained.
Mike abruptly grabbed it, saying that he couldn't care
less if it were the Triforce of Wisdom, and bashed it over the
head of the Spider Monster, melting it. Then he did the monster
mash (it was a graveyard smash!) and said "Now you're playing
with POWER!"
"Mike?" Tom said, "That was the Triforce of *Wisdom*."
"Oh, well," he looked at the monster's carcass again,
"Now you're playing with *Wisdom* then."
In any case, the Blue Team has completed a round!
But will they win the prize?

Green Team, Frog, Joel, and Monty, were back in the
dining room of the ship, surrounded by monsters without even
a hallway to run to! But never fear for I was there, and my
holographic viewscreen was now... was now under everyone's
feet.
"Get the hell off me!" I yelled, and even the monsters
got the hell off me. "Good. Now, since I helped the Blue Team,
I have to help you now, since you're in an even worse situation,
so...
"For *you* Joel, I have the amazing WAFFLES OF POWER!
They slice, they dice, and taste awfully good with Maple Syrup!
Hell, they taste good with *Chocolate* syrup (what doesn't?).
Eat them and you will become ten times your normal power!
"For you Monterey, here is the amazing CHEESE OF POWER!
It, like the Waffles, only requires you eat it, and it also
tastes good with Chocolate Syrup. It's Brie '86 too. Get
it while supplies last!
"And for you, Frog, here is the amazing PIXIE STICK OF
POWER! With this power, you can be a Superstar! It never gives
up, its always there, fighting for freedom over land and air!
And it tastes so good, it don't need no chocolate see-ryp!"
I handed them all their respective thing. Suddenly,
they all felt super-charged, and in a Tony the Tiger fashion,
exclaimed "Theeeeeeey're GREAT!" and then they showed the
monsters that they were tigers by showing them what they
could do. Maybe the taste of powerful things could bring
out the tiger in *you*.
In between Joel grabbing the table and bashing just
about everything imagineable with it, and Monty grabbing
something else, however, the fun ultimately climaxed when
Frog, quite unthinkingly, flew into the air, and let out a
kamehameha blast right at a large collection of monsters on
the floor. Now, I know you're saying "What's wrong with that?"
well, let me explain it to you:
...They are on a boat...
...which is in the middle of an ocean...
...and Frog just blasted a hole in the floor...
...Now, what do *you* think is going to happen?

PART TEN: BOAT-JUMPER AND BARREL RIDER

If you answered "The boat is slowly filling up with
water and they're all gonna drown and die" to the last question,
you are at least part correct.
So after mere minutes of randomly running around, all
three teams arrived at the Large Square Room, to find Gadget
and Pennywinkel sitting around helplessly (Actually, they were
heavily involved in a game of Trivial Pursuit, but that game
is EEEEVILLL, I tell you!) while Mademanna was trying to take
care of a crying Wolverine Plushie. It apparently didn't want
it's bottle. Finally Mademanna just threw it down in frustration
and decided to be audience to Gadget and Pennywinkel's little
game.
Joel quickly blurted out "Guys and Girls, it is important!
There is something we should all know!"
"What?" everyone not on Green Team said.
"Frog is an idiot."
"Oh," everyone said, and got back to whatever they were
doing.
"Wait, there's more! He blasted a hole in the ship,
and we're all sinking and will surely drown unless we think
of something!"
"That whomps," Chip said.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Frog said.
"It always does, doesn't it?" Said Dimm who was hiding
in the shadows, "But I knew that if I waited, you guys would
eventually do yourselves in. My mission is complete, I am
unstoppable!"
"Ummm, Won't you drown too?" Joel inquired.
"Maybe." Said Dimm, "But it doesn't matter. I am a
gifted wizard and an Author Avatar Character, I can create
another habitable spot in this universe, for me and my
future bride!"
The guys looked at the three girls, and said "Which
one would that be?"
Dimm picked up Mademanna, and said "Why, this one!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a dramatic escape."
His "Dramatic escape" consisted of blasting a hole
in a wall and flying out it.
Chip, thinking of nothing better to do, said "Frog,
Pennywinkel, can't you two fly?"
"Sort of..."
"Then go! Save yourselves! Don't worry about us!"
Pennywinkel cynically answered "Gee, how did I know
he was going to say that?"
Then Crow said "Worry about me, please, SAVE ME!!!"
Pennywinkel cynically answered "Gee, how did I know
*you* were going to say *that*?"
Frog said "I can't leave everyone behind! It would
be totally, ummm, selfish and bad and I would be unable to
find retribution or something!"
"Save yourselves!" Chip said, "At least then you can
avenge us!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mademanna and Dimm watched from the sky as the ship
sunk lower and lower into the water, until finally the black
wetness consumed it.
Mademanna, concerned, asked "Are they... gone?"
Dimm, not sure, said "I dunno... are they?"

What do *you* think?
A voice that sounded kinda like Crow imitating an
old lady rang out through the night, "Riddle me this, BATMAN!"
To find out wether this is at all signifigant, you'll have to
read Mind Media, Act Two.

MIND MEDIA
Redefining Self-Insertion, level by level.

------Disclaimer------

While the Rangers are copyrighted by Disney, and
the MST3K crew is copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. Frog,
Pennywinkel, Mademanna, Demon Master Mind (AKA Dimm), the
story and title "Mind Media" and all fictional duplicates
of myself wether they be real or fake are *my* property
and may not be used without permission.

PS. Yes, our heroes *are* alive. That's kinda
why there's an "Act Two" after all.