"Food Fight"

                             Written by Jill D. Weber

Characters herein are © Walt Disney corporation. Distribute freely, but do not modify.

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Disney Characters copyrighted by Walt Disney Corp. and used without
permission.

In a few hours, the street would be occupied by huge, ungainly
humans. Right now, the only ones stirring were those with four (or
more) feet.
A large rodent, dressed in a green turtle neck sweater and tweed
jacket grunted under the weight of a large brick of cheese.
"America (ooph), what a (urph!) country," panted Monterey Jack,
Kangaroo Rat about town. "Where else does the government (grunt) give
away free cheese to all (wheeze) comers?" He stopped and leaned
against his package of cheddar to catch his breath. His companion,
green housefly in a red t-shirt, darted around his head, buzzing
encouragingly.
"You know, Zipper," Monty panted. "Much as I like you just as
you are, there're times when I wish you were a wee bit larger. Pity
the lads didn't come, that would have been more of us to carry the
cheese."
"And more to eat the cheese," Zipper pointed out.
"Too right," sighed Monty. "But they don't really eat much... ah
well, I just wish there was an easier way..." He rubbed his red
moustache and glanced around. Maybe there was... "Aha! Look!"
Zipper followed the length of Monty's arm and buzzed over to the
trash can Monty was pointing at. Inside were two discarded roller
skates, one obviously broken, but the other looked useable.
"We'll just load this cheese up and roll it home, no worries!"
Monty beamed.
"Sounds good to me," Zipper buzzed.
Monty scrambled into the lip of the trash can and began to haul
at the skate. Suddenly Zipper dived bombed Monty, knocking him into
the can.
"Cats!"
"Gor blimey!" Monterey wasn't scared of many things, but cats
were definitely on the list. He ducked down under the trash,
remembering just too late that the cheese was in plain sight.
"Look! Cheese!" the scruffy orange cat said. He pounced on the
brick of cheddar and wrestled it across the alley.
"How do you get this thing open?"
"Shut up, Mepps," a deep cultured voice said. "And throw that
thing away, it's probably rotten."
"Yeah, Mepps, throw it away..." Monty urged. Then the rodent's
eyes went wide as the significance of the voice and name drilled
through his cheese crazed mind. "It's Fat Cat!" he hissed to Zipper.
Zipper's eyes went wide and he clung to Monty's flight helmet.
Monty peeked cautiously out of the trash. Fat Cat would just love an
opportunity to catch a Rescue Ranger out on his own.
"But, Boss, it looks okay to me!" Mepps protested.
The oversized grey tabby took the brick of cheese and turned it
over in his paws. "You're right, for once," the feline crime boss
admitted to his henchcat. "It does look good. Probably one of those
careless humans dropped it. Come on!" He tossed the brick away.
Mepps pounced on it. "But how do you open it?" whined Mepps,
looking at it from all angles.
"I'll show you later," Fat Cat hissed. "Right now I just want to
get home. It's been a bad day and it would be just my luck to run
into those pesky rodents."
Mepps sighed and tucked the cheese under his arm for further
investigation later.
Monterey Jack ground his teeth. "The nerve of those... cats!" he
complained bitterly to Zipper. "Bad enough they try to take our
lives, they could at least leave us our cheese!" He hopped out of the
trash can, hauling the skate with him, and set off after the cats.
"Monty, that's the wrong way!" Zipper protested.
"Not if I want to get me cheese back!" Monty growled, green eyes
alight with righteous indignation. "Nobody pilfers Monterey Jack's
Cheddar without a fight!"
"Oh no!" wailed Zipper. The fly debated going for the rest of
the Rangers, then decided there wasn't enough time.
Monterey Jack scampered along in the early morning shadows.
Zipper stayed high enough to remain undetected. Their chance came
when Fat Cat stopped to stare into a window. Monty darted into a
nearby rat-infested alley.
"Don't mind me, pallies," he said to the startled rats. "I just
don't want to meet those cats."
"We dig, bro'" said the grey rat.
"I hope they leave before they upset the children," the brown
rat said worriedly.
"Not to worry, mum," Monty said gallantly. "I have a score to
settle with those two. I'll just make sure they're moving at the end
of it."
"You're going to attack two cats?" the rats whispered, eyes open
wide with awe.
"In a manner of speaking," Monty said puffing up his chest. "We
Rescue Rangers will take on anybody," he added, by way of
advertising. "Now, help me load these cans onto me skate."
"Boss?" Mepps said tentively. "I thought we were in a
hurry?"
"Well, that's two near miracles today," Fat Cat said. "First
you're right, and then you take up thinking. Only four more miracles
to go."
Mepps, who had never learned heard of Alice In Wonderland, much
less the White Queen's "six impossible things before breakfast" said:
"Huh?"
"Never mind," Fat Cat said. "Mepps, what do you see in front of
you?"
"A pet store," Mepps said obediantly.
"And in the window?"
Mepps squinted, shading his eyes with his paws. "A big, purple
bird."
"Well, that's two more times you've been right," Fat Cat sniped.
"We may get up to six yet. But it's not just a big, purple bird. It's
a purple bird of paradise. And do you know what I should do with that
extra-rare, expensive bird?"
This was easy. Even for Mepps. "Eat it!" he said triumphantly.
"Very good, now see if we can't go for the full six," Fat Cat
said. "We're definitely on a... roll?"
Monty had tipped the skateful of cans onto the sidewalk, sending
them clattering and banging under the cats feet.
"What the...?" Fat Cat cried kicking away the cans as they
assaulted his feet.
Mepps dropped the cheese and leaped into the air at the sound of
the cans. He landed on several of them and went skidding into Fat
Cat. As the two cats went rolling into the gutter, Monty dashed out
from hiding and grabbed the cheese. Then he darted back into the
alley, loaded it on the skate and took off.
"My cheese!" wailed Mepps. "It's gone!"
"Never mind your blasted cheese!" snarled Fat Cat, who took a
swipe at Mepps battered ears. "We have more important dinner
arrangements to make. Come, let us prepare to make this Purple
Bird-of-Paradise our guest of honor."
"But I thought you were going to eat her!" whined Mepps.
Fat Cat sighed heavily. "Well, five out of six impossible things
is the best we can hope for in these inflationary times."
"What's all this noise?" a human's coarse voice.
"Come on!" Fat Cat said. Over his shoulder, to the bird, he
added. "See you tonight, you luscious thing you."
Fat Cat and Mepps scampered away, leaving a wide eyed and
shaking Bird-of-Paradise behind them.
"Don't worry," Zipper buzzed at her. "The Rescue Rangers will
save you!" and he flew off after Monterey Jack.
"So, Zipper me lad," Monty said when Zipper caught up. "When is
Fat Cat going after that poor bird?"
"Tonight!"
"Then the Rescue Rangers will really top off his bad day, won't
we?"
The skate worked well until Monty actually got to Ranger
Headquarters. The sprawling oak in the middle of the city park was
snug, secure... and awful high.
"I guess I'd better set up a pulley," Monty said. "Stay here and
watch for cheese nappers." He scampered up the bole of the tree. When
he got to the door, he spotted his chipmunk pals. "Oh, good, could
you two..." he stopped. Neither Chip nor Dale had noticed his
presence because they were too busy arguing.
Monty turned to the blonde field mouse who was tinkering with
the oven in the kitchen.
"Hiya, Gadget-luv," Monty said with avuncular fondness.
"What'cha up to?"
"Oh, I just wanted to make sure the oven would get hot enough
for my pop-overs." She fiddled noisely a few moments more and then
pulled her long tressed head out from the oven's guts.
"Oh, hi, Monty! Did you get your cheese?" the blue clad mouse
came down to earth long enough to realize who she was talking to. Not
that she was stupid. (In fact, she was just the opposite. But her
crushingly high IQ sometimes smashed her common sense.)
"I did, and speakin' of cheese... Do you have a pulley handy?"
Gadget pushed her goggles back and blinked her large and
slightly crossed china blue eyes. "What does cheese have to do with
pulleys?"
"It pulleys itself into Ranger headquarters with 'em," Monty
said, twirling his fiery moustache.
Gadget blinked again, then giggle. "That's a good one," she
said. "Sure I have a pulley, somewhere."
They adjourned to Gadget's workroom and she began rumaging
around. Monty looked around apprehensively. Strange things happened
to the unwary in Gadget's workshop.
"Here it is!" Gadget began hauling on a block and tackle
assembly that was bigger than she was. As she tugged, Monty noticed a
mini-mountain of glassware beginning to shift.
"Look out!" he snatched the preoccupied inventor away just in
time to get said mountain dropped on his head.
"Oh, gosh, sorry Monty," Gadget said. "I forgot I was using that
as a work table... Anyway, I found the pulley for you."
"Thanks, Gadget-love," Monty said tiredly, rubbing his head. To
himself he added. 'Nice mouse, just a trifle loosely packed
upstairs.' There was no point in getting mad at Gadget. After all,
she meant well.
They hauled the block and tackle to the door, passing the still
quarreling chipmunks.
"What are they arguing about this time?" Monty asked, pausing
long enough to jerk a thumb at the volatile pair.
"I've lost track," Gadget shrugged. "Sometimes I think they do,
too."
Considering that the two were reduced to Dale saying: "Do not!"
and Chip saying: "Do too!" Monty thought she might have a point.
Just to shake things up a bit, he threw in a 'Not so!"
"What do you know!" both chipmunks squeaked. They returned to
their argument. But Monty noted that Chip was now "Do not-ing" and
Dale was now "Do too-ing".
After considerable heaving and hauling, Monty and Zipper got
the brick of cheese up to headquarters. Gadget steered it over to the
porch.
"Whew!" Monty said, sliding to a sitting position next to the
tree trunk. "Now I'll I need is a way to get me aching body up
there!"
"Just tie the rope around your waist, Monty," Gadget said
cheerfully. "I'll get you up here."
Without thinking, Monterey Jack did as she suggested. Then it
sank through his skull that this was Gadget's plan. Before he could
react to that horrifying thought, he heard.
"I need a counter-weight... Ah! this should work nicely!"
Monty's green eyes went wide. "No! Not me..."
Cheese.
"Look out!" cried Zipper.
The brick of cheese came hurtling down, Monty went hurtling up.
The cheese hit the ground and smashed into many pieces, coming off
the rope. Monty, no longer having a counter-weight, came hurtling
down and landed in the cheese.
"Oh, dear," Gadget said, peeking over the edge. "I guess that
was rather self-defeating, wasn't it? You aren't hurt or mad or
anything... are you?"
Monty took a really deep breath, reminded himself how many times
Gadget's father saved his life and that Gadget was a nice girl. Then
he let his breath out v-e-r-y slowly. "Of course I'm not mad,
Gadget-luv," Monty said. 'But sometimes I wonder about you!' He did
not say the latter, of course. There was no point in getting angry at
Gadget.
"Monty! What happened? Are you all right?" Chip and Dale were
scampering headfirst down the tree, (a trick Monty had always
admired), chattering at top speed (an accomplishment he'd rather they
didn't show so often).
"Why didn't you tell us you were having a cheese party?" Dale
joked.
"Can't you see this was an accident?" demanded Chip, elbowing
Dale in the ribs.
"I can see you have no sense of humor!" retorted Dale, brushing
his red and gold Hawaiian shirt off.
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"ENOUGH!" Monty roared. "Will somebody please help me get me
cheese into headquarters?"
"Why don't you just eat it here?" Dale asked. "It'll save work."
"DALE!" Chip yelped.
"Now that's a great idea," Monty said, tucking in.
Chip shook his head. Sometimes he thought he was the only one
who took anything seriously.
"Monty, if you eat all that cheese in one sitting, you'll get as
fat... as fat as..."
"FAT CAT!" Monty said, jerking to his feet.
"Well, not that fat," admitted Chip.
"I mean, we saw Fat Cat and he's plannin' a caper!"
"He is? Why didn't you say so sooner? Chip demanded. "Rescue
Rangers...!"
"We can't 'away' until we clean up this mess!" Gadget protested.
"But Gadget..." protested Chip.
Gadget looked at him sternly and Chip subsided. It was much
easier to carry the cheese in smaller pieces and they soon had three
fourths of it stowed away in their headquarters. (The rest was stowed
away in Monterey Jack.) Between bites, Monty informed the others of
what they had overheard.
"Well, if he thinks he's going to eat that poor bird..." Chip
said.
"He's forgotten about the Rescue Rangers!" Dale burst out.
"You got that right!" Chip agreed.
Dale cocked his head to one side and squinted at his friend.
"Can I get that in writing?" he asked.
Chip glowered at him and raised his fist.
"I was just askin'!" Dale ducked and covered his head with his
hands.
Chip grinned and lowered his hand. "Now it's..."
"Time to get to the pet shop!" Monty declared.
"Nope, first we stop at the hat shop," Chip said. "Actually, the
hat shop's garbage cans, if you want to get picky."
"What's wrong with your hat?" Dale asked, indicating Chip's
nifty Pasadena Jones fedora. (Chip saw Raiders of the Lost Park
twenty times, so sue him.)
Chip grinned fiendishly and hooked his thumbs into the lapels of
his Pasadena Jones (fake) leather jacket. "We're not going to get me
a hat, we're going to get one for Fat Cat. Sort of."
The other four exchanged blank looks.
Monty tapped the side of his head.
Dale shrugged.
"Huh?" Gadget spoke for all of them.
"Never mind," Chip said, enjoying their confusion. "All together
now!"
The five Rescue Rangers chorused: "Rescue Rangers, away!"
They arrived at the pet store shortly before closing.
"Through the air conditioning ducts?" Gadget suggested.
"I'm tired of air conditioning ducts," complained Dale. "I'd
like to go through the front door for a change."
"Be my guest, Dale," Chip said snidely. "I'm sure they'll have a
nice, comfy cage prepared for you in no time."
Dale glared at him. "I ought to, it'd be better than listening
to you all day!"
Chip blinked. "Huh?"
Dale stalked off towards the air conditioning. Chip looked at
the others in bewilderment.
"You have to watch that kind of talk, Chip," Gadget said.
"You'll hurt his feelings!"
"Aw, I'm not that bad..." Chip found himself talking to Gadget's
back. "... Am I?" he asked Monterey Jack.
Monty thought a moment. "Yes." And the kangaroo rat marched
after the others.
"Oh." Chip thought a moment, then ran after the others.
They had to wait until the humans cleared out of the shop before
they could slip in. Chip spent the time trying to apologise to Dale.
Dale, sensing a moral advantage, pretended not to hear. Finally, the
humans were gone, leaving one very worried Bird-of-Paradise behind.
"Am I glad to see you!" the Purple Bird-of-Paradise said, when
she spotted them.
"Don't worry Miranda," Monty said. "We won't let anything happen
to you!"
"You're safe with the Rescue Rangers!" Dale cried.
"And she'll be a lot safer when we get this trap set!" grunted
Chip. "C'mon, guys, lend a hand. Gadget, Monty, Zipper, you set up
the block and tackle, Dale you help me with our 'bait'."
Dale turned to help as the other three went to work.
"Waitaminnit, I'm not talking to you."
Chip bonked him over the head. "Then don't talk, work! Or do you
want Miranda to become Purina Fat Cat Chow?" He scrambled up to
Miranda's cage and flipped the latch open. "Stick close to Monty!
He'll protect you! And whatever happens, stay in the rafters!"
Miranda lost no time in getting upstairs.
Dale was rubbing his head and glaring at his friend. The glare
lasted until the odds and ends from the hat shops's garbage cans
began to take form.
"You're making a fake bird of paradise!" Dale cried with a sense
of pleased discovery. "Chip, you're a genius!"
Chip grinned. "Does that mean you're talking to me again?"
"I haven't decided yet," Dale said, trying not to smile.
"Well, get me some stuffing while you think about it," Chip
ordered, patting his friend on the back.
Dale sighed. "Okay." He scampered off in search of stuffing. He
came back later with a double arm load of greyish leaves. "I found
this in some other stuffed animals."
Chip took a sniff, then sneezed... and sneezed... and sneezed.
"Not that! It smells awful! Fat Cat will smell it a mile away! Take
it away and get something that won't blow the plan!"
"I don't think a stuffed bird will fool him for long," Dale
muttered. He dumped the grey stuff behind some bird cages and went
looking for something less offensive.
"It won't have to fool him for long," Chip said, looking around,
anxiously aware of how late it was. "Just long enough!"
Monty and Gadget finished their block and tackle assembly near
the snake pit.
"Now all we need is a counter-weight," Gadget said.
"Anything but cheese," Monty whispered to Zipper.
Zipper sniggered behind his hands.
"Ah! Those should work!" Gadget pointed.
Monty was almost afraid to look. Gadget was pointing to a high
shelf stacked with clawing posts.
"We can tie the rope around those," Gadget said. "They're solid
oak and should be plenty heavy enough to work."
Zipper flew up with the rope and started to tie it. Then he had
a violent sneezing attack. Monty and Gadget scampered up to see what
was wrong.
"Whew! What's that awful smell!" Gadget asked.
"It's catnip, luv," Monty said. "It affects cats like cheese
affects me. Humans smear it on cheap things like the scratching posts
in order to keep their darling pests from rippin' up the furniture."
"Don't you mean 'darling pets'?" Dale asked from somewhere
underneath them.
"Dale, this is cats we're talking about!" Monterey Jack huffed.
"Oh, right," Dale said. Then the red nosed chipmunk spotted some
straw. "That'll be perfect!"
He hauled the straw to Chip, who also said: "Perfect!" The two
chipmunks had the dummy stuffed in double quick time. Zipper came and
reported that the block and tackle was set.
"Okay, Fat Cat," Chip said, rubbing his hands together
gleefully. "Any time you're ready!"
It was the longest forty-five minutes Chip could remember.
Finally, the air conditioning began to creak suspiciously. the
Rangers held their breaths and prayed the Ranger Wing was hidden well
enough. Chip could have bonked himself on the head for not realizing
Fat Cat would use their entrance. It would have made the trap setting
so much more easier.
From the way Dale stuck his tongue out, the other chipmunk had
thought of that, too.
Mole the mole tumbled out of the air conditioning, followed by
Wart the lizard. The two hench-varmints pulled on Fat Cat's tubby
arms while Mepps apparently pushed from behind. The three finally
managed to get Fat Cat into the store.
"Hello, my pretty," Fat Cat crooned at the stuffed bird. "Ready
to join me for dinner?"
Naturally the fake bird made no noise.
"What's this? Speechless are we? And on the night of your
culinary debut?" Fat Cat mocked. He reached up and grabbed the dummy.
He realised, just too late, what he had.
"I've been tricked!" he roared. He opened his hand to drop the
bird, but it stuck fast. He grabbed it with his other hand only to
have it stick as well. (Chip saw 'Song of the South' twenty-one
times.)
Fat Cat's ears flattened, his lips drew back to show all his
sharp, nasty teeth, his claws popped out and began to knead the
dummy. "Find that bird! And those blasted rodents!!"
"What makes you think it was the Rescue Rangers, boss?"
"Who else could it be?" snarled Fat Cat.
"Oh, right," Mole said, staggering around peering nearsightedly
into nooks and crannies.
Just then, Miranda let out a screech.
"There she is!" cried Mepps, pointing.
The three hench-varmints converged under the rafter that Miranda
was perched on. The rafter 'happened' to be near the shelf that the
scratching posts were on. When the three were in position, Monterey
Jack levered the stack of posts.
As the posts went down, the hench-pests went up, squalling all
the way. Zipper and Gadget set them to swinging, and as they reached
the apex, Monty cut the rope. The three went into the snake display.
Miranda flew around excitedly, forgetting her orders to stay in
the rafters. Fat Cat made a prodigious leap for one so corpulent and
snared Miranda in his mouth. He glared around the room, unable to
speak, but his threat was clear.
Chip cursed himself as a fool, and did the only honorable thing
he could think of. He swung his safety pin weighted string and hooked
a rafter.
"Rescue Ranger, away!" he called, and swung down and clunked
full tilt into one of Fat Cat's eyes.
"YOW!" howled Fat Cat, jerking his paws apart and ripping the
dummy into useless shreds. He grabbed at his eye, puncturing Chip's
jacket and knocking the rodent off his string. Miranda made a break
for it.
Fat Cat grabbed for her, but his arm was jerked sharply
downward, spoiling his aim. Pain ran from one of his claws up to his
shoulder.
"Ouch!" the tabby glared at his injured member, then his face
relaxed
into a smile.
Dangling from the abused claw was the leader of the blasted
Rescue Rodents. Fat Cat's claw had snagged on Chip's sturdily built
Indiana Jones jacket.
"Chip!" squealed Dale.
"Monty, we've got to do something!" gasped Gadget.
Monty looked frantically around for a weapon large enough to
damage the oversized cat.
"My, my, look what I've got," purred Fat Cat, lifting his paw
up. "I guess I'll just have to change tonight's menu from avian
souffle to chimpmunk chowder."
Chip looked upwards at the smug cat and swallowed convulsively.
"Ta-da-da-DA-da-DA!" shrilled Zipper, dive-bombing the felonious
feline.
"Get away from me, bug!" growled Fat Cat, swatting at the
housefly with his free paw. In spite of the distraction, he tightened
his grip on the captive.
Chip decided that necessity came before good manners... or good
taste, and took a chomp out of the imprisoning paw.
"Youch!" Fat Cat grabbed at his twice injured paw and let Chip
slip through his grasp... temporarily. "Oh, no you don't." Fat Cat
snatched the Ranger out of the air. "Not so fast, my verminous little
friend." He squeezed hard enough to drive all the air from Chip's
lungs.
Chip struggled for a moment, then went limp and tried to stay
conscious.
"Maybe I should just skip the chowder and have Chipmunk
Tartare," Fat Cat mused.
"What's he talking about?" Gadget asked.
"He means he's gonna eat Chip raw!" Monty gasped.
"No!" cried Dale. He ran back to where he had left the grey
green leaves, gathered up an armful and threw them into Fat Cat's
face. A cloud of pugent dust slowly settled to Fat Cat's feet.
"You wretched... rodent... I'll... I'll... I... Aye... Aye..."
Fat Cat's eyes went glassy and half closed. The tubby tabby melted to
the floor with a blissful smile on his face and began to purr like a
demented lawn mower.
Chip rolled free of the now limp hand, trying to force air into
his
lungs.
Just then, they heard footsteps of approaching humans.
"Come on, let's get out of here!" Monty advised.
Miranda swooped to the rafters for Monty and Gadget, then to the
ground for chipmunks. Dale, who had scampered head first, from the
shelf, was trying to get Chip to his feet. But Chip couldn't catch
his breath enough.
Monty grabbed his wheezing leader and leaped back onto Miranda's
back. Dale followed, chattering worriedly.
Miranda flew them to the air duct, then swooped back and sat on
top of her wrecked cage.
The Rangers sat back to watch the finale. They saw the human
female picking up Fat Cat. "Now how did you get out of your cage?
Come on sweetie, I think you've had enough catnip for one day."
"Catnip!" exclaimed Monty, Gadget and Zipper.
Chip, still short of breath, could only look at his old friend
admiringly.
"I knew it would do that to him," Dale said 'modestly', buffing
his nails on his shirt.
"You know, Anita, I think that cat was after Miranda. We'd
better take her home with us at night," the man said. "I don't like
the thought of having that expensive bird in jeopardy."
"Sounds like a plan to me, Roger, come on we'd better clean up."
By now Chip had his breath back. "Thanks, Dale," he said.
"Anytime," Dale said generously. "Nice to see you goof up once
in a while."
"I did not goof up!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Guess Chip's okay," observed Zipper.
"Isn't this where we came in?" Monterey asked Gadget.
"It's definitely where we go out," Gadget said.
Monty picked the two chipmunks up and tucked them, still
quarreling, under his arms.
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Come on, mates," Monty said. "All this hard work had made me
hungry."
"Me, too!" Dale said.
"You're always hungry!" Chip said.
"I know," Dale said, cutting off their usual argument.
"Then let's go! I know this place that serves a great chicken
dinner..."
"Monty!" the other four exclaimed.
"...And for those of you who don't like chicken feed, they have
a great cheese chowder!"
The other Rangers shook their heads and laughed.

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