Rangers-Animaniacs
by Indy and Chris Silva


Authors' note--Due to the Law of Ironic Convenience, the Rangers' proportions vary in the Animaniacs' universe depending on who they're interacting with. Chip and Dale are about the same height as Yakko, for instance, when they're in scenes with the Warners. Chip is his regular small size when he's in the scene with the Goodfeathers and Nimnul, etc.


       The Animaniacs’ opening sequence started up, then suddenly stopped. Yakko, Wakko and Dot were tickling Dr. Scratchnsniff’s feet but now turned and looked perplexed in the direction of the camera.
       “Hey, what happened to the music?” Yakko asked.
       “Did that labor strike go through?” Wakko added.
       Dot opened a pocketbook and pulled out a photo. “I hope not. I’ve still got ten payments on that new home in Beverly Hills.” A voice from the director’s booth came over the loudspeakers. “Mr. Plotz says to shut everything down until further notice. He’s hired some new talent and they’re going to be joining up with all the show regulars.” Dot put her hands on her hips and her face got those cute little wrinkles. “WHAT!? It’s bad enough we’re doing pay or play now!”
       “I don’t know about you, sibs, but I’m going over there and give him and those newcomers a piece of my mind!” Yakko said. Wakko reached in his bag and pulled out a big piece of limburger cheese. “How about of piece of this too?”
       Yakko nodded emphatically. “My sentiments exactly. To the big man’s office!”


       Across the lot, Mr. Plotz was already deep into talking with his new hires. “So all of you were fired, and with no warning at all?”
       “Yeah, they canned us real good,” Dale said, sniffling a little. “No sendoff or nothin’. Just told us to pack up our tree and leave!” Chip dusted off his fedora and put it back on. “After fifty years of loyal service by Dale and I, too.” Gadget crossed her arms. “And here I thought an intelligent woman counted for something these days!”
       “Not ta mention the bold explorer type,” Monty added.
       Mr. Plotz leaned over the desk, looking down at Zipper. “What about the fly? What does he do?”
       “Well, he didn’t do much on the show really, but in real life he’s the best bodyguard money can buy,” Gadget said. “He’s master of seven fighting styles!” Zipper bowed ceremonially and stretched his hand out to his new boss. Plotz sat back down quickly, mopping his face. “Oh, I uh, see. Well, that covers you...” Plotz looked at the resume sheet again. “…Res-cue...Ran-gers...and you say you have a large following?” Gadget blushed. “Golly, I have a huge internet following that’s dedicated just to me!”
       “Very interesting. Now, as to you others...”
       In addition to the Rangers, their rogues’ gallery had come too. Fat Cat and his goon squad, Nimnul, Rat Capone and his gang,and Lahwhinie were cooling their heels on the other side of the room.
       “Well, you sure took your time with them,” Fat Cat grumbled. Plotz walked over. “Now, you’re all enemies of the Rangers, right? Which one of you is the mad scientist?”
       Nimnul jumped out of his chair. “I’m not just a run-of-the-mill mad scientist, I’m the greatest brain on the planet!” Plotz wrote down some notes. “Hmm...you’ll make a nice addition to the Pinky and the Brain set, then. Let’s see, Lahwhinie...I think you’ll fit in well there too. Fat Cat will go on with Rita and Runt, and Rat Capone will be a returning regular on the Goodfeathers set.”
       Plotz returned to the Rangers. “You’ll be working with all the characters, but especially the Warner brothers...” Dale’s eyes grew large. “We get to work with...Wakko...Yakko...and...Dot? Dare I hope...” Chip quieted his partner. “There are some supporting characters that we could also bring into the show. Foxglove, Tammy, Sparky and a few others.” Then Chip realized what Plotz had said. “You mean we’ll be working with the silly ones that are always doing radically illogical things for no good reason?”
       “HOLD IT!”
       Yakko, Wakko and Dot came in, all three with determined looks. “Plotzy, you can’t just bring in newbies when we’ve got this down to a fine art!” Dot pleaded. Yakko started counting on his fingers. “Comic acting takes timing! It takes skill! It takes practice...”
       “Hi, there!”
       Yakko turned around to find Gadget holding her hand out to shake his. Hearts filled his eyes. “Take me, I’m yours...”
       Yakko fainted, and Wakko walked right over him to shake Gadget’s hand. “Hellooo, beautiful mousey nurse!!!” Gadget smiled, then assumed a puzzled expression. “Well, actually I’m an inventor, not a nurse. Nursing requires special training that I’ve never bothered to get. Not that it’s that much of a bother, or wait, it could be a bother come to think of it...”
       Chip cleared his throat to break her train of thought. “She gets this way sometimes. It’s natural for her.” Then Chip noticed that Dot was looking at him very strangely. “Are you all right?” Dot’s eyes were filled with hearts. “Oh, it’s like I’m dreaming, but I’m still awake…” She rushed up to Chip and hugged him. “I’m Dot, the cute one. You’re just dreamy, Chip.”
       Dale helped Yakko off the floor. “Can I be a Warner Brother?Please, please, pretty please with sugar on top!” Monty smirked at the goings-on. “This reminds me o’ the time when me and Walt headed to Hollywood to seek our fortunes in the early days o’ cartoons.”
       Since Chip had never been hugged by a—well, he didn’t know what it was—he felt more than unusually uncomfortable. “Uh, that’s nice but I’m more interested in how we’ll all fit in with this new system.”
       The Warners all gasped.
       “He said it! Did you hear him?” Wakko said.
       Dot’s face showed worry. “Yes! Oh dear, what’ll we do!?”
       Chip didn’t understand. “What? What did I say?”
       Yakko leaned in close and whispered . “Fit...in...”
       “What’s wrong with that?”
       Yakko tilted his head in curiosity. “Uuuuuh, have you ever watched any of our shows?”
       “Once or twice along with Dale, for a minute I suppose. Why?”
       “I was afraid of this. Sibs, this munk’s going to need special attention!” Yakko said.
       Wakko smiled. “You mean?”
       “Yep!” Yakko said, putting his arm around Chip. “Meet our new special friend!”


       Meanwhile, Zipper was standing on Mr. Plotz’s desk, making kung-fu moves. “Buzzz buzzz buzz!” Plotz looked at Monty and the Aussie translated. “Zipper’s worried, since it’s tough fer flies to get work in the business. He hasn’t worked for a different studio since his stint on “The Fly” back in the fifties.”


       Dale had watched more than enough episodes to know what Yakko’s statement meant. “Uh, Chip?”
       “What, Dale?”
       “It’d be a good idea to start running right now.”
       Chip stared at Dale. “Why? We all like making friends, don’t we?”
       Yakko stroked his chin. “Aren’t you going to run away screaming so we can chase after you?”
       Chip crossed his arms. “Me? Why should I do that? I never yell or scream unless there’s a good reason to.”
       Dot grinned mischievously. “Chip, have you met my pet?”
       “Well no, I don’t think so...”
       Out of a tiny little box, a giant green fuzzy icky thing with teeth reared its giant green fuzzy icky head and roared at Chip.
       “Oh, nice pet,” Chip said.
       Dot was amazed. “Wow, he doesn’t have a silly bone in his body!” Yakko, Wakko and Dot are now in doctor’s and nurse’s clothes, respectively, surrounding Chip.
       “This is a really serious case!” Wakko said.
       “Do you think there’s any hope?” Dot asked.
       “Of course there’s hope!” Yakko said. “Come on, everyone! We’ve got a show to make!”


       The whole group went out the door, with Dot clinging to Chip and Yakko and Wakko on either side of Gadget. The scene faded, then came back up in a wide shot of the studio at the water tower. The Warner brothers and the Warner sister are entertaining the Rangers in their home.
       “Hey, welcome to our home, you guys!” Yakko said.
       “Where did you used to live?” Wakko asked.
       Dale was trying to look everywhere at once. “Well, we usedta live in a tree in central park. But Disney owned the rights to it, so we had to move out.”
       “We kinda been livin’ out o’ the Ranger Plane and Wing since then,” Monty said.
       Yakko sighed. “Typical corporate mindset.”
       Gadget looked around inside with a quizzical look on her face. “Uh, excuse me? This water tower defies the laws of physics, doesn’t it? I mean, the square footage of this place could scarcely be more than a Winnebago, but it looks like an ampitheater in here!”
       Wakko looked over at his brother. “What’s she talking about?”
       “I don’t know, but whatever it is it’s gorgeous...”
       Chip stepped up and addressed the Warners. “So what do you guys do? I mean, what usually happens in this show?” Dot smiled up at him. “I look cute and chase dreamy guys...oh, and I make witty asides to the audience.”
       “I make noises with various bodyparts!” Wakko said, proud of the fact. “I can belch ‘The Blue Danube’ with the best of them!” Yakko walked up to Chip. “I lead the group and I’m the marginal straight man except in the cases of the antagonist being the straight man. Oh, and I make witty asides to the audience.”
       “Aw, I never get to make witty asides!” Wakko lamented.
       Chip was at a loss. “So, nothing on this show has any socially redeeming value? Do your shows end with a moral?”
       “Moral? Ah yes, the Wheel of Morality’s just for that...when it’s working,” Yakko said. Gadget immediately perked up at the “B” word. “It’s broken? I’ll be glad to look it over and fix it!”
       “You like to fix broken things?” Yakko asked.
       Gadget smiled and nodded. “Oh, yes! It’s one of the things I’m happiest doing, really.” Yakko and Wakko went around merrily breaking things in rapid order. Yakko mopped his face with a handkerchief. “Whew! What it takes to please the talent...”


       There was a knock at the door, and Dale and Wakko both moved toward it
       “Feindofenleivenshoyl!”
       Wakko was frozen in fear, and Dale pointed in horror. “IEEEEEEE!!! Evil Clown!!!” The Clown was happy as usual—or is that unusual? I forget. “It’s the puppy boy and oh, he’s got a new friend with the shirt and the flowery things on it. Froy laven, froy laven!”
       Gadget looked over at the door. “Golly, It’s a clown! I like clowns.” Monty looked off into the distance. “This reminds me of the time when I was travelin’ with Ringling brothers and I met...” Chip went over to comfort his pal. “Relax Dale, it’s only a…”
       “CLOWN!!”
       Wakko produced a rocket from his grab bag and tied the clown to it, lighting the fuse and sending the clown into orbit. Soon, his quick breathing slowed down. “I feel better now.”
       Gadget gasped in horror. “But won’t he die on re-entry? Oh gosh, that was violent!” Yakko zipped over to Gadget. “Ex-squeeze me, but you didn’t read the subsection in your contract on cartoon physics, did you?”
       “Well, no...I was tuning up the RangerWing through most of that while Chip read it.”
       Yakko gestured all around them. “You’re now in an oblivion-free state! Let me demonstrate...”
       Yakko took them all outside and pointed down to the studio guard. The guard sat down to eat his lunch at his favorite chair—which had been loaded on bottom with dynamite. Yakko lit the long fuse which conveniently had appeared between the chair and the railing of the water tower. The fuse burned quickly and the guard was blown up to their level, his uniform tattered, then fell back down to the ground with the usual ker splat. He then bounced up again, becuase he ker-splatted onto a trampoline and the Warners started bringing out items for his head to bust into.
       “See?” Yakko said, looking at Gadget while producing item after item. “In this state of existence, everything’s temporary! We can hit our friend here with everything including the kitchen sink and it won’t faze him.” Wakko brought out the kitchen sink for the guard’s head to run into to prove the point.
       Gadget was intrigued. “Wow! So, you mean there’s no regular limitations on actions like there is in the normal world?”
       “Pre-tootin-cisely! Now that we have that cleared up...please let me be your slave for life!”


       With the constant melee going on, Chip decided to skip out and look for a better place to fit in. He walked by a laboratory, where the opening sequence to Pinky and the Brain started up. The marquee on the screen read “Brain vs Brain”. We find Pinky and the Brain working on yet another of their plans…
       Brain walked up to his companion, a look of satisfaction on his face. “Pinky, I think I’ve finally figured out a way to take over the world!”
       “Narf!What plan is that, Brain?” Pinky asked.
       “I have constructed a massive electromagnet that is so powerful, it will stop the Earth’s rotation. Without the balance of normal light and darkness, the planet will roast on one side and freeze on the other. They’ll pay handsomely to get their little globe spinning again, and the only way that’ll happen is when they give me absolute rulership of the world!”
       Chip immediately broke in. “Uh, wait, hold on. If you stop the earth’s rotation, the atmosphere would be sucked out into space and everything on the surface will be flung out into the void, wouldn’t it?” Brain was irritated as usual. “Now Pinky, you...wait, that wasn’t Pinky’s voice. Who let this rank amateur in here?” Chip climbed up on the lab table where they both were. “I’m Chip Maplewood, a new arrival from Disney. How could someone claiming to be so brilliant make such a basic mistake?”
       Brain leered at Chip. “I beg to differ, simpleton. I am a genetically-enhanced lab mouse, bent on taking over the world! Now if you’ll excuse me, I must tap the city’s power supply to activate my electromagnet.”
       “But won’t activating that magnet also attract every metal object for thousands of miles, killing everyone here, yourself included?”
       Brain sighed and handed him a pamphlet. “Read the subsection under the Law of Ironic Convenience. Come Pinky, we have a world to conquer!” Brain tried to tap the city’s power, but found that someone had beaten him to it. “How can this be? I’m the only diabolical genius clever enough to think of this!”
       “Ha, stupid rodents! I am the greatest genius in the world! I am the only one destined to conquer the planet!!!”
       Brain looked all around for the voice, then found it was on the view screen above them. A balding human with red hair and a red mustache peered down at them. Brain looked up in dissatisfaction. “So Pinky, it appears we now have a competitor in our noble aspirations. And what might your appellation be?”
       “I am Norton Nimnul, pathetic lab rat!”
       Pinky pointed at the screen. “Hey, you! We are not rats! If you listen to our theme song it clearly states that ‘We’re laboratory mice/our genes have been spliced’. So there!” Chip turned to Brain. “What exactly have your genes been spliced with?”
       “Not now,” Brain said, sensing a confrontation worthy of his abilities. “Very well then, Nimnul. We shall see who the mightier brain is. Meet us in the middle of the city, if you dare!” Brain shut off the transmission, then activated his human-sized exoskeleton via remote. “Pinky, I am afraid we must delay our initial plans to contend with this new impediment.”
       Chip read the pamphlet that Brain gave him. “How can physics operate selectively?” Brain worked his way to his exoskeleton. “I don’t expect a limited mind such as yours to comprehend that. Pardon me, but as they say in the westerns I have a ‘showdown’ to go to.”
       Brain and Pinky hopped into the exoskeleton and proceeded into the city. Chip followed only to see them stop when Nimnul arrived in a crab-shaped robot of his own design. Nimnul laughed maniacally. “You think you can defeat me in that pathetic machine? Mine weighs a hundred times more than that little can opener!”
       Brain activated his remote, and ten laser guns emerged from panels that opened in the exoskeleton. “As a Jedi master once said, size matters not. Genius will always prevail!”
       “That’s why I’m going to win!” Nimnul retorted. Nimnul held up a remote of his own and hit a big red button. Brain suddenly felt the robot body around him beginning to be pulled backwards. Nimnul grinned with fiendish glee. “I just turned on your electromagnet, stupid rat! My evil machine is made of space-age polymers and graphite composites so it’s not magnetic! Nyah!”
       Pinky looked over at Brain. “Um, this isn’t a good thing, is it Brain?”
       Brain’s look was pedantic, or it could’ve even been angry but it was a pedantic sort of anger. “This is an eventuality I had not foreseen, Pinky. However, I should be able to reverse the effects of the electromagnet by using the exoskeleton’s internal power supply to create an electromagnet of the same polarity as my larger one thus creating a repelling force.”
       “Whoosh, right over my head! So what’s all that mean?”
       “Buckle up, partner. The ride’s about to get bumpy....”
       As the exoskeleton flew through the air toward the large attracting force, Brain attached the wiring and at once the repelling force took effect—as well as giving both mice a nice jolt. They shot forward in their metal frame, right at Nimnul. With a resounding crash, the two robots smashed together and the two geniuses ended up on the sidewalk next to each other.
       Brain pulled his face off the pavement, speaking to Nimnul. “I believe there is a negative philosophic result to our competitive tendencies. I think it would be more to our mutual interests to conduct our endeavors at a safe distance from each other from now on.”
       Pinky for some reason all his own was overjoyed. “Oh boy! More people to take over the world! We should form a club and build a treehouse!”
       “What do you morons think you’re doing?”
       Lahwhinie, who had been in Nimnul’s machine, now hopped out. “It’s bad enough I have to be the assistant to this dopey human, but now I’ve got to put up with the likes of you two.” Brain was about to protest when he looked up and saw Lahwhinie standing in front of him.
       “We were about to...uh, take over...uh,” Brain said, words failing him.
       Pinky was instantly concerned. “What is it, Brain? What’s wrong? You’ve never looked like that except for the time when you were in the Oval Office and thought you had control of the world.” Lahwhinie came up to Brain and tickled his ear. “You’re the guys that are always trying to take over the world.So, melon head, if you’re so smart why do you keep failing?”
       Brain fought to recover himself. “Frankly, my picturesque vision of perfection, I have no idea. Sometimes I think that it’s the design of the universe that I must fail, for surely by now someone of my dazzling intellect would’ve taken over if not for that!”
       “Maybe it’s because of your pea-brained lackey here,” Lahwhinie said, pointing at Pinky. “Why not join up with me? With your brain and my style, we can...TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!” Brain grinned in exultation. “YES!” Brain offered his arm, and Lahwhinie took it. Nimnul and Pinky watched dumbfounded as they started to walk off together.
       “Have I ever told you your dominating sneer is most becoming?” Brain asked.
       “No Brian. Tell me how wonderful I am,” Lahwhinie said. She turned back to her former partner in crime. “Toodles, Numnul.” Nimnul stood there, flailing his hands in the air. “Hey, you can’t just walk off and leave me what this idiotic rodent! What’re we supposed to do?!”
       “We could teach monkeys to use pogo sticks,” Pinky said. Nimnul turned to Pinky, awe written on his face. “Of course! Then we could train them to rob banks and use the pogo sticks to make their getaways! Ooo hoo hoo hoo, I love it!”
       Pinky smiled at his new partner. “I was thinking that we could make an act of it and take it to Las Vegas. Say, are you named from that Mork and Mindy show? Na-nu, na-nu! Shazbot!” Nimnul picked up Pinky and put him in his hand. “Trust me, Siegfried and Roy are way overrated! Come Pinky, we have monkeys to train!”

       They’re dinky...they’re Pinky and the Nimnul Nimnul Nimnul Nimnul Nimnul...

       “Narf!”


       Chip shook his head and went on walking. Soon he was surrounded by dangerous-looking city streets. From nowhere, Rat Capone and his gang burst on the scene. “Weese got you now, nut breath! Say yer prayers!” Rat said.
       “Where are we?” Chip asked. “I thought Warner Brothers had their own stock mob characters... Goodfellas or something like that.”


       Meanwhile, back at the water tower...
       “And I learned how to rewire circuit boards when I was five. I found an old transitor radio and fixed it up where it’d bring in everything including citizen band!” Gadget said, glowing in the memory. Yakko and Wakko were sitting with their elbows on the table and their attention totally on Gadget. They both sighed at her comment. Gadget continued talking while she fixed things, oblivious.
       “And then I graduated to television. Of course, it wasn’t my fault I’d never heard of interactive television so they can’t blame me for inventing it...”


       Chip prepared to strike when a group of pigeons flew down from Scorcese’s statue
       “Hey, chipmunk!” Bobby said. “You gonna rumble in our neighborhood?” Chip shook his head, pointing to the rats. “No... it’s these guys that want to cut in on your turf.” Bobby walked over and ruffled his feathers threateningly at Rat Capone. “You cuttin’ in on our turf?”
       Rat Capone showed his teeth. “Youze birdbrains better back off, see? I’m Rat Capone and I’m da new boss of this here town!” Pesto marched up to Rat and came beak to snout with him. “Just say one word and I’ll beak you and those silly lookin’ guys of yours till none of ya can stand!”
       Squib was worried. “Uh Pesto, maybe we should think this over...”
       Rat squinted his eyes, his temper flaring. “The...”
       “THAT’S IT!”
       Chip dove out of the way as Arnold Mousennegar and Sugar Ray Lizard dove into the fray with their boss against the pigeons. When the dust settled, Pesto was sitting on top of a pile of beaten up gangsters. “Hah hah, they was nothin’!”
       Chip was very impressed. “You’re a toughie, Pesto.”
       Pesto turned and eyed Chip. “What do you mean by that?”
       “I didn’t mean anything. You’re tough. It was meant as a compliment.”
       Pesto began pacing. “I…am tough. What do you think I am, a piece of overchewed gristle, come here to amuse you?”
       Chip began backing up, sensing trouble. “I just meant that you’re a good fighter.”
       “I am tough...OKAY, THAT’S IT!”
       Pesto flew off the pile, heading for Chip, but unlike Squib the chipmunk did have a few gray cells upstairs. Chip simply dodged Pesto, who ended up banging his head into a nearby rock. Bobby rolled to the ground and laughed, as did Squib. Chip shook his head and kept on going.


       Back at the water tower, Yakko and Wakko were starting to wear down.
       “And then I built my first electromagnet! Of course, it shouldn’t have reset all the clocks in New York state but that was only a small oversight...” Wakko had his head in his hands, and rolled his eyes (not literally) over at Yakko. “Does she ever stop to breathe?”
       “Not that I can tell...”
       Gadget puttered right along. “...but then I found out I could alter it and create an artificial pocket of time around myself! Well, not a real pocket like in pants pockets. I do wear pants occasionally but my overalls suit me better. Those kinds of pockets wouldn’t affect time or at least shouldn’t...”


       Chip continued his journey, coming to a treehouse. This gave him a sense of home, so he knocked on the door. The door flew open and a angry old squirrel wearing a hat appeared. “Ah, whattaya want? Yer interruptin’ Jerry Springer... go away before I drop an anvil on your head! Wait a minute...you remind me of a young Chip Maplewood.”
       Chip grimaced. “I am Chip Maplewood! Disney sort of overlooked us, and now the WB’s hired us.” Slappy took out a pair of bifocal glasses and then peered at Chip. “Chipper, is that you? It’s me, Slappy! We met at the Christmas party at Disney back in ‘47. We shared a slow dance...and then spent a quiet moment under the mistletoe...” Slappy began coughing loudly and cleared her throat. “You Disney guys sure look good for your age.”
       Chip blushed at the memory. “Oh yeah, uh, I’d forgotten all about that. That was right before you started working for that director you drove insane, right?” Slappy nodded. “Yeah, what a yutz. So, you got stuck at WB. I guess it’s better than fading away at the old toons’ home.”
       “I dunno. Right now, I’m just looking for an ounce of sanity in this place. Is there anyone here who doesn’t act like a crazed lunatic?”
       Slappy looked to the left and to the right. “If a dull guy in a gray suit approaches you and asks if you’d like to hear his story about how he met Bob Barker, throw yourself under the wheels of the nearest train. That’s Pip. He’s not crazy the way you’re talking, but he’ll drive you nuts!”
       “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Chip was about to ask if there were any nice girls around when he spied some movement out of the corner of his eye. “No, that can’t be...Wilbur Wolf? He’s got to have been through at least ten thousand blow-ups by now! He’s still coming back for more?”
       “Yeah, like my arthritis, he never goes away. Excuse me a second, Chip.” Slappy went to a closet and came back with an oversized bazooka. “Cover your ears. t’s time for number ten thousand and one.”
       The disgruntled old wolf marched over. “That’s Wal-ter Wolf, you hamming it up chipmunk! I remember almost getting the part at Disney instead of that egotistical duck! How they put up with his incessant quacking and that awful voice of his, I don’t know. Wack, wack, wack!”
       Chip motioned over his shoulder to Slappy. “It would probably be wise to leave the area, Mr. Wolf, seeing as how Slappy’s using your moment of distraction to pinpoint your location.” Walter picked up his cane to point it at Slappy. “Hey, you leave her out of this! Now at least with this old hag...”
       KA-BOOM
       “I get treated the same way every time...”
       Ker-plop
       Slappy turned back to Chip. “So, how’s that cute friend of yours, Dale?” At that moment, Foxy walked up followed by the Warners. “Oh, hi there! We didn’t mean to get in the way or anything. It’s just that Gadget’s sort of taken over the water tower and all and we’re out looking around.” Wakko and Yakko suddenly turned into tiny tornadoes and when they stopped they both had bat wings and bat features. “Hellooo, less boring very beautiful bat nurse!”
       Foxy giggled. “Hello! Say, where’s Gadget?”
       Gadget approached from off screen, accompanied by Dot. “..and then I thought, ‘hey, why not build a supersonic car with ejection seats?’. Of course, I had hoped that the brakes would kick in once it had plowed through a few buildings, but that’s the way we learn!”
       Wakko jumped into Yakko’s arms, shaking. “She won’t stop!”
       “I know! She’s got a brain that won’t quit!” Yakko said. Dot frowned at them both. “Boys! It’s your own fault for inviting her to talk!” Yakko suddenly had a thought. “Talk. That’s it!” Yakko zooms off-screen and brings back a rather short human, neatly dressed. “Gadget, meet our special friend here.”
       Gadget smiled and shook the man’s hand. “Hi there, I’m Gadget! What’s your name?”
       “Hello Gadget, my name is Pip. I must say that it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard that you’re from Disney. I’ve been to Disney World and Disneyland and I must say that Disney does a great job of looking after things. I was surprised that you’d all come here. I hope that Brain hasn’t been bothering you since we already have a smart mouse on staff, in fact we have a lot of small rodents on the show, mostly supporting cast for Pinky and the Brain. Brain even had an adversary that was voiced by Roddy McDowell. Roddy McDowell was really neat. He was a child actor in ‘How Green Was My Valley’. I got to meet him at the commissary during filming of his episode. He was having the New England clam chowder. It’s odd that it’s called New England clam chowder, even though it was made here in Burbank. Burbank is an interesting place, it’s amazing the people that you can meet. I’ve even met Bob Barker...”
       Gadget just stared at first, and broke into a sunny smile. “Gosh, you think just like me! I’ve been waiting for someone like you to come along all my life! I’ve had to repress my own sense of mental wandering because it distracts everyone so. You know, sort of like how a stray meteorite can distract you from gazing at a planet in a telescope? Meteorites are actually chunks of other planets broken off, you know. I buy into the theorem that there were actually ten planets in our solar system originally. Breaking off meteorites reminds me of that movie ‘Deep Impact’, which they really should’ve hired a better technical director for. I mean they didn’t even have one good inventress in their cast!”
       Pip nodded. “‘Deep Impact’ was a much better movie than ‘Armageddon’, and there was a better female lead in ‘Deep Impact’. But you’re right, inventresses are very rare in movies. “
       “Golly, don’t I know it! The original Star Trek pilot featured a strong female lead, but she wasn’t an inventress either. Of course, Star Trek did have a female inventress in it in the Next Generation episode where Data had to convince a colony of humans who crash-landed on a planet that they had to get off or be destroyed. You know, I think they copied my personality with that girl—maybe I should sue...”
       Chip pulled Yakko aside. “I think we’d best leave while we can. This could get ugly.”
       “Right with you, pal,” Yakko said. “Say, I guess this means you’re out one girlfriend.” Chip looked back, as Gadget and Pip continued their bantering. “Yeah, I guess so. But now what? There’s mighty few girls in Gadget’s class.”
       “Not to worry, my striped, lonely friend.” Yakko reached into his pocked and pulled out a top hat, then reached inside and pulled out Minerva Mink.
       “Helloooo, Minerva!” Yakko and Wakko said.
       Minerva sneered at them,then turned her attention to Chip. “Ooh, a handsome chipmunk! I love that stuff you’re wearing. It makes you look so...adventureous.” Chip blushed. “Uh, thank you.” Chip found himself perspiring. “It’s pleasure...uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Mink.” Minerva put her arms around him. “So big boy, are you just doing this part time? I’m sure you must have a pretty nice-sized nest egg from all that work you’ve done with Disney over the years...”
       “Sh...sure, with salary as one of the main Disney characters, plus stock options and residuals from the theatrical shorts and from Rescue Rangers, I guess I’m in good shape financially.” Minerva grinned. “Music to my ears—famous, handsome and rich! Shall we set the date?” Chip was taken aback. “Date? I don’t know if I’m ready to date. After all, I hardly know you.” Minerva laughed. “Not a date! The date. You know, for the wedding.”
       Gadget was in the middle of talking about quantum physics and its relation to peanut butter when she heard the “W” word. Without so much an “excuse me”, she divested herself from Pip's handshake (she is a genius after all), turned about and walked over to Chip and Minerva. “Chip, she’s trying to marry you to take all your money!”
       Minerva half-smiled. “So? You wouldn’t marry him. He’s fair game, right Chip?
       Chip was about to argue, but then Gadget whispered in his ear. “Thank you, Gadget. I forgot what show I’m on. I guess I’ll need to do something silly and exaggerated here as my shocked response. Hang on...” Chip walked to the phone and made a call. “Wild take #78 and then my legs become wheels and I leave tire tracks on the ground and disappear over the horizon? Thanks, Slappy.”Chip hung up the phone, then decided against it. “I don’t think there’s a proto-typical cartoon solution for this situation.This may require non-cartoon reasoning.”
       Chip returned to Minerva, who stuck out her tongue at Gadget. “Minerva, as stunningly beautiful as you are, we can’t marry since it would be for all the wrong reasons. Yes, Gadget hasn’t returned my affections yet, but that’s no reason to become entangled in a bad marriage with you that’ll only end up with my broken heart and empty pockets.”
       Meanwhile, Gadget and Minerva had gotten into an argument. When Chip finished speaking, they both turned to him. “You stay out of this!” Gadget’s eyes narrowed as she came nose to nose with Minerva. “You’re nothing but a platinum hussy!”
       “Well, at least I know a good munk when I see one,” Minerva countered. “You haven’t so far because you haven’t had any legitimate competition.”
       “Hey!”
       Minerva smiled at that little dart hitting home. “Scared a little now, aren’t we? I could take him away from you so easy it’d make your head swim!” Gadget’s voice raised several decibels. “Oh yeah?”
       “Yeah!”
       “Well then, watch this and weep, sister!” Gadget spun Chip around, grabbed his shoulders and kissed him. Minerva gave a chiding laugh. “You call that a kiss? This is a kiss...” Minerva grabbed Chip away from Gadget and kissed him.
       “You little flirt! I’ll show you!”
       Gadget pulled Chip away from Minerva and ran off-screen with him, to reappear in front of a minister. “I do, and you’d better do too if you know what’s good for you!” Dot zoomed past Gadget, grabbing Chip's hand, and both appeared in front of the minister dressed in wedding attire. “I do!”
       Minerva raced up the aisle in a wedding dress. “No, I do!”
       “Hey, I thought of it first!” Gadget shouted, running up after them.
       While the girls were fighting, Chip reached off-screen and pulled a woman wearing a wedding dress onscreen. Her face was covered by the veil. The minister did the ceremony, and afterward—but before Chip lifted the veil for the kiss—he looked to the fighting ladies and let out a loud whistle.
       “Ladies, you’re all too late,” Chip said. “I’ve just married my true love!” The girls all turned, and as the bride lifted her veil the three of them gasped as one.
       “Eat your hearts out, you wannabes!” Slappy said.


       The girls all fainted dead away and then...Chip woke up screaming. He was in his own bed at the treehouse, and everything was as it should be. He went into the main room and sat down, turning on the television and checking the morning news. Someone else sat down and put an arm over Chip.
       “How about rubbing my feet, Chipper?” Slappy asked, beginning her loud hacking cough. Chip woke up screaming again and this time, mercifully, no Slappy seemed to be around. “Thank goodness. I’d better get up and check to see if everyone’s okay.” Chip dressed and left his room to find a bunch of people surrounding him.
       “Hey, who left the Rescue Ranger set over there in the corner?” a guy dressed as a director asked.
       A figure happily skipped over to deal with it and saw Chip. “Hey, it’s one of the little Ranger guys still here! Say, how’d you like to be my new sidekick?” Bonkers asked.
       Chip yet again woke up screaming. A figure leaned over and kissed his nose. “Go back to sleep, Chip. It was just a bad dream,” Dot said. Chip—well, you know the drill by now. He jumped out of bed, annoyed. “Okay, whoever’s doing this, I’m not moving from this spot until I get an explanation!”
       Gadget came in the room, looking apologetic. “Well, actually I did it, Chip. You remember yesterday I asked you to test that memory-enhancing ray of mine? Well, it should’ve worked, but I sort of forgot to alter the relative frequency for chipmunks and it made you have waking nightmares instead.”
       Chip looked under the bed and ran out to make sure the couch was unoccupied, then returned to his room where Gadget was waiting. “So I’m not married to anyone?” Gadget blinked. “Married? Golly, I hope not...er that is, I guess not.” Chip caught her Freudian slip and also blinked. “Would you be interested in changing that aspect of this reality?”
       Gadget blushed a little. “Gosh, I hadn’t really thought about that. You’ve never paid me much any attention before or even asked me out. Not that our work gives us that kind of opportunity—I mean, it’s nice to be asked and all sometimes but asking can be a bother and all...”
       Chip didn’t care if it was a dream this time. “I’m tired of my silent, unrequited love. I’m requiting it.” Chip got down onto one knee. “Gadget, will you marry me?” Gadget turned it over in her mind for a few moments, then simply said, “Okay.” Chip hesitated a moment to make sure he didn’t suddenly wake up and then pinched himself as an added measure of assurance.
       “Yipee!” Chip hugged Gadget and kissed her, then backed off slightly. “You’re not Lahwhinie, are you?” Gadget smiled and shook her head. “Oh, not at all. In that other reality you…oh, I wasn’t supposed to mention anything about it. Besides, this is just a temporary lapse by these authors to see how many readers they can make faint with the totally unexpected.”
       “Good, then this is probably our only chance to get hitched before they go back to their old ways.”
       Gadget agreed. “Of course, it’s kind of sad that I won’t ever get to know my sister in this universe and she’ll remain a dyslexic all her life and Monty will never know his wife’s alive and you’ll never have that nice boy Theo for a son—oh wait, I’m not supposed to know about any of that here either, am I?”
       Chip patted her on the back. “Don’t worry about it. Well, they like happy endings, so maybe they’ll let us have all that too. They could just include flashbacks during the episode where we get married.”
       Gadget stepped off-camera and came back. “They said doing that could cause a cascade failure in the time-space continuum. I think they were kidding, but one of them said they could just have Theo end up fixing everything independent of the Rangers. They’ll just age him and then Lahwhinie can marry him, and they’ll find Eva and reunite her with Monty.”
       Chip thought it over, and shook his head. “Well, I like Theo better as a son than a peer, but I’m not about to take any chances now that I have a chance to marry you. We’d better do this fast, no telling how small our window of opportunity is.” Gadget took Chip’s arm. “Okay, then. Let’s go!” Gadget and Chip left HQ and went to the nearest church.


       “Do you?” the pastor asked.
       “I do!” Gadget said.
       The Pastor turned to Chip. “And do you?”
       “YES!!! Just kidding. I do!” Chip said.
       “I declare you hitched,” the pastor said.
       Chip and Gadget kissed, and Chip carried her out of the building. She looked back inside the building where all the Animaniacs characters waved back. Gadget breathed a sigh of relief. **Good thing I’m so popular around Toon Town. I had to call in every favor I had to pull that off. But I finally got him to ask!** Gadget winked at the camera as they left the church and the scene irised out.


       “And that’s a wrap,” I.R. said.
       “Good, C.S.?”
       “Good, I.R. Let’s go.”
       “Helloooo, dreamy writer nurses!”
       “Who was that, C.S?”
       “Don’t ask, run!”
       Dot ran after the writers. “Wait, you could do a whole fan fiction series on me! I’m the cute one and everyone loves me! Wait!!!”

       T H E – E ND


The Animaniacs are copyright Warner Brothers. Fat Cat, Rat Capone, Lahwhinie and the Rescue Rangers are copyright Disney. All are used without permission, but with the utmost respect. Oh, and I.R. and C.S. are copyright themselves ;-)

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