A BRIEF MISSIVE REGARDING THE RESULTS OF A LOCALIZED DECREASE
IN ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE FOR THE PURPOSE OF HYGIENE AND SANITATION
or
CLEAN SWEEP
rumbada-rumbada-RUMbada-RUMBADA-RUMBADA --- THUMP!
“Tammy, was that you?” Foxglove called from the kitchen door. “Are you all right?”
“I heard it,” Tammy said, entering for the exercise room. “It sounded like something came down the spiral slide.”
The slide was the fast way down from the upper floors of Ranger Headquarters. Tammy and Foxy went to it and looked upward to the floor above.
“Gadget?” Foxy called out. “Are you OK?”
“I don’t think so,” Gadget answered weakly. Tammy and Foxy spun around. Gadget’s voice had come from behind them, from the hallway. They hurried toward the sound and stopped short at the sight that awaited them.
Gadget was hunched down on all fours with wheels under her feet. Her tail was several times its normal length and ended in a strange, two-prong fork. And her nose draped across the floor, longer than her body, terminating in a chrome plated brush.
“Good crimanie!” Tammy shrieked.
“Oh my stars!” Foxy cried. “Gadget, what happened to...” Foxy stopped as she spotted a small blue sphere next to Gadget. Foxy scooped it up.
“The Orb of Aloysius!” Foxy snapped. “Gadget, I have told you and told you not to fiddle around with magical instruments! They don’t agree with you!”
“What is it?” Tammy asked.
“The Orb is a device for viewing the unseen,” Foxy said.
“I just wanted to figure out why the vacuum cleaner stopped working,” Gadget protested.
“And you tried to make up your own spell to make the Orb work, I’ll bet,” Foxy chided. “You said something like, ‘I want to know what’s wrong with it,’ and it showed you.”
Gadget looked annoyed that Foxglove had her pegged almost word for word. “The Orb went Kerploofie! and I went backwards down the slide. I knew I was in trouble when I realized I was rolling, not sliding,” she admitted.
“Honestly, Gadget,” Tammy said, “the things you manage to do to yourself. Your life is too unbelievable to make good fiction!”
“You should be glad we chased the boys out to get some housework done,” Foxy said. “You’d never live this down if they saw you.”
“She’s not going to be like that forever, is she?” Tammy asked, concerned. “Can you change her back?”
“I’m pretty sure I can,” Foxglove said. “This is such a magical muddle it might just wear off by itself.” She regarded her colleague cum appliance for a moment. “I think she managed to plug in a Patsy Sigma Orange pattern instead of a Harvey Alpha Green. It won’t take much to fix that.”
“C’mon, Gadget,” Tammy said. She picked up Gadget’s nozzle and towed her to the front room.
“Hey! Easy does it!” Gadget squawked.
“Oh, take it easy yourself,” Foxy said. “You’re the one who blew it.”
Tammy snickered, propping up Gadget’s snoot. “Blew it is right. What a honker.”
“You mean a Hoover,” Foxy quipped. “Heeheeheeheehee.”
“Hey!” Gadget said.
“You stuck your nose in where it didn’t belong,” Foxy scolded. “That’s how you got sucked in. Hahahahahaha!”
“Ahahahaha!” Tammy chimed in. “Face it, Gadget. You’re hosed! Hahahaha!”
Foxy could barely speak between giggles. “As Lotta Lamore said - she’s Dust, Buster! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
“Stop it, you two!” Gadget hollered. “It’s not funny!”
Tammy kneeled down directly in front of her. “Please don’t take this wrong, Gadget. But I can’t resist it.” She gently cradled Gadget’s face in her hands. “It sucks to be you! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“You guys are gonna get it,” Gadget said ominously.
“Oh, don’t get your tail in a knot,” Foxy chuckled. “Don’t you have a cord retractor to prevent that? Heeheeheeheehee!”
Tammy parked Gadget in the middle of the front room. “If she’s going to be OK, I guess we can finish cleaning up the place.”
“Hold it,” Foxy said, her smile turning devilish. “Gadget shouldn’t get out of her share of the housework because she made a mess. And she can still fill the vacuum ‘till things get back to normal.”
“Ohhhhh,” Tammy said knowingly. “I guess that’s only fair...”
“What’re you talking about?” Gadget said with alarm.
“...but we don’t have an outlet that’ll fit her plug,” Tammy concluded.
“Don’t need one,” Foxy said, brandishing her magic wand.
“HEY! Don’t even think about it!” Gadget yelled, trying to at least wiggle away.
Foxglove snatched the tip of Gadget’s tail and aimed her wand. With entirely too much glee, she recited the spell:
Franklinitosis
Westinghousosis
Edisondosis
Electrons - moveosis!
A short, continuous spark leaped from Foxy’s wand to Gadget’s tail tip plug. To Gadget’s shock, her midsection began to whir loudly and her jumpsuit puffed up slightly.
VVRRRRROOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!
“Hey!” Tammy cried in surprise. “Look how her nosepad lights up! Just like the real thing!” She began to push Gadget’s extended snout over the rug. “She works great! Look how clean it’s getting the rug!”
“Enough is enough!” Gadget shouted. “Let me go or I’ll... AAAACCKKKKK!!”
Tammy was off at squirrel speed, scooting around the front room, pushing her teammate’s muzzle into every nook and crannie. Foxglove brought up the rear, maintaining the power spell and pointing out any missed spots.
“I can’t believe how well this works!” Tammy marveled. “It’s better than anything Gadget built!”
“How dare you!” Gadget squealed over the din of her own innards.
“We may be on to something,” Foxy remarked. “We could sell these Gadgets door to door. Everyone would want one.”
“Now it’s gonna be salesman jokes!?” Gadget bellowed. “You’re toast, batty!”
“We’d make a mint,” Foxy went on, ignoring her. “All we need is a way to... y’know... Reproduce them.”
“You are going beyond the rating of the venue with that!!” Gadget raged.
“I think that’s everything,” Tammy said. Foxglove broke the circuit and the racket died down, replaced by Gadget’s deep, angry breathing.
“We’re not quite done,” Foxy said maliciously. “It would be courteous to, shall we say, empty her dust bag.”
The pair eyed a rather obvious hatch on Gadget’s rump. Gadget gulped at the thought, speechless.
“I ain’t touchin’ it,” Tammy said definitely.
“Me neither,” Foxy agreed.
“Agazagogga,” Gadget said softly.
“What was that?” Foxy asked.
“Azuzazuma!” Gadget wheezed.
“Uh-oh!” Foxglove said. “I think she’s gonna...”
“Ahhh... AAHhhhh... AHHHHHHHHH...!
“Run for it!” Tammy shouted. Too late.
AAAAA-CCHHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Gadget’s sneeze created an instant gray-out in the front room. The confined cloud of dust obliterated all points of reference.
“Get the door open!” Foxy yelled.
“Get the fan going!” Tammy responded, stumbling in the direction she hoped the fan was.
With doors and windows open, fans and Foxy’s wings moving the dust laden air out, the room was cleared in just a couple of minutes.
“I think we got it out before it could settle,” Tammy said. “It’s still a good day’s work.”
Foxglove looked toward the center of the room in horror. “Where’s Gadget!”
The pair quickly searched the room. Gadget was no where to be seen.
“Maybe she’s invisible,” Foxglove said desperately. “Maybe she just... shrank to tininess or something!”
“Oh, no,” Tammy groaned. “Maybe she sucked herself into another dimension!”
“Not even Gadget could do that,” Foxy declared. “Gadget! Where are you?!”
“I’m right here,” Gadget answered.
Tammy and Foxglove turned toward the stairway. Gadget stood there, perfectly back to normal. At least, normal if you ignored the contorted, murderous glare she gave her comrades; the low, vicious rasp of her voice; and the black, cylindrical object in her arms that looked like something The Predator kept in his back pocket for finishing off his victims.
“Youuuuuu...” Gadget hissed.
“Now Gadget, calm down,” Foxy said. Tammy began backing away, incapable of speech, afraid that if she turned to run she’d never take a second step.
“I never thought I’d need this,” Gadget croaked, her voice sounding like her throat was dry as dust. “I never thought I’d need Nimnul’s Mini-Mutant Morphalizer. And here I have to drag it out in my own home!”
Foxy and Tammy kept backing up, into the kitchen.
“Now, Gadget, don’t do anything crazy,” Foxy soothed.
“You used me,” Gadget growled. She advanced on them and they retreated still further. “You used me like a toy. Do you have any idea how much dust there is under that couch? Or how that inside doormat smells?”
“Actually,” Tammy squeaked, “we used you like a proper household appliance. There’s a difference.”
“You were going to give me to the salesmen,” Gadget accused. She made it sound like a death sentence. Maybe, to her, it was.
“That was a joke!” Foxy insisted. “We weren’t going to sell you! It was all in fun!”
Gadget stopped. Tammy and Foxglove were backed against the kitchen counter. Cornered. Gadget grinned. A ghastly, Jack Nicholson grin.
“Lookit me,” she whispered. “I’m laffin’.”
BHWAA-ZOOOCHHHHAAA!!
The blast of the Mini-Mutant Morphalizer engulfed Tammy, Foxglove and half the kitchen. Gadget hesitated as the dancing spots cleared from her eyes and she could see the results of her handiwork.
Gadget’s maniacal grin softened to a smile. Her eyes crinkled in amusement. She chuckled, then laughed, then she dropped the weapon and lost it completely, rolling over on the floor, laughing uncontrollably and kicking her feet in delight.
Foxglove and Tammy finally managed to get a look at themselves, goggled, and shrieked in outrage...
“That’s not funny!”
-------------------------
Part 2
Layabout is fair play
Gadget’s initial laughter died down, though she still had a broad grin. “Oh c’mon guys, you owe me this one. Besides this is so very appropriate!”
She walked over to the transformed pair to examine them more closely. To be honest, she hadn’t been sure what would happen. The device combined a repaired metamorphosiser unit with components from the Fleeblebroxian escape pod Dale had wrecked, and she’d even managed to isolate some of Ditz’s unstable molecules from when he’d reworked the Rangerplane. So the device was at least partly controlled by the psionic feedback from the user. However, to give it an extra whammy, she’d hooked Foxglove’s Orb of Aloysius to the auxiliary power coupler. The results had exceeded her expectations.
Tammy had been turned into a red, fur-lined recliner deck chair. Her head was unchanged, acting as a footrest and clearly still able to move normally. The rest of her was clearly immobilised. Her flattened body was the main seat, and her big, bushy tail stuck up at an angle as a backrest. Her arms and legs had shrunk, and splayed to form the stands it rested on. Both arms were fused together by a furry cross-bar, and so were both legs. Finally, the clothes she’d been wearing had become a decorative fringe around and under the seat part. She could turn her head enough to see her reflection in the metal extractor hood in the middle of the kitchen.
“I look ridiculous! Change me back right now!” she yelled.
“I’d couch my words more carefully, if I were in your position. I can only be pushed sofa.”, Gadget said in tones of low menace, from out of line of sight. She was actually grinning, but Tammy couldn’t see that.
Tammy’s tome quickly turned to panic. “I’m really sorry! Change me back, please Gadget?” she pleaded, tearing up.
“Golly, I thought after al the hard work of cleaning the Treehouse, you’d appreciate lounging around. Trust me, it’s not half as nasty as some of the things I had to breathe in while you were using me as a vacuum.” Gadget wasn’t really mad any more, but she did feel justified. Maybe a little more teasing would be appropriate, and fun.
“I could fold you up and send you back to your house the way you are. Of course, Bink will probably use you as a trampoline and spill orange juice all over your fur.” Tammy was getting almost hysterical, so she sighed. “I should be able to change you back with no problems.” This did nothing to reassure the transformed squirrel. “But it will take the machine a few hours to recharge, and in the mean time I want to have a good long rest. As I said, you owe me that much.”
She turned to Foxglove, who was in an even more ridiculous predicament. She was now a human scale novelty MP3 player, and in pieces. She’d clearly tried to get out of the way, and fallen over. It hadn’t seemed to have hurt her (or Gadget would have checked on her immediately), at least from the string of naughty words that were issuing from her head. Gadget lifted it up onto the counter, checking her over.
Like Tammy, her head was mostly unchanged, but in her case her mouth was fixed open and had a speaker cone fixed in it. When Gadget looked underneath, she saw no neck, just a pair of power connector ridges like those on a mobile phone, recessed under the fur. Foxglove’s front teeth had been replaced with a little blue LED, and there was a familiar stylised B on her nose.
“Oh, I see, Bluetooth!” she said, half to herself.
Foxglove spoke to her, sounding subdued. It was kind of odd as, the voice also seemed to be coming from her wings. “We really didn’t mean to hurt you! It was all a bit of fun, and I was kind of annoyed you’d used one of my magic items… I guess I let it get a bit out of wing.”
“Well, _you’ve_ changed your tune.” Gadget said, giggling. She gestured at the rest of the scattered bat. “The first little problem and you go all to pieces.” Foxglove winced, or at least her face did, at the bad jokes.
“Don’t worry, I’ll have you back together in a jiffy.” Gadget continued, examining the other parts.
The fur covered legs and feet were fixed to a plastic stand with Foxy’s fur colour, forming a docking cradle. It had a USB connector sticking out from the side, obviously on a retractable cable. The interiors of the legs were the same plastic. Foxglove’s body was the main MP3 player, roughly a flattened furry cylinder. At the top, between the matching connectors for Foxglove’s head, there was also a recessed 3.5 mm jack plug. There were also grooves and connectors on each side of upper torso, obviously to hook the wings onto.
The torso had an oval control panel, framed in silver, with a blue back lit LCD display, about an inch square dominating the centre. Along the top were the Skip Backwards, Menu and Skip Forwards buttons, and along the bottom were the Play/Pause and Stop buttons. The conventional symbols were translucent and also backlit in blue. On the other side Foxglove’s stubby tail stuck out, but could be pushed flat into a recess, obviously to lock the control panel. Gadget did so and got a squeak in response from Foxglove.
“Hey, that tickles! Be careful with that!”
It was fascinating to see the volume indicator bar on the LCD display spike in response to her speaking. There were no access panels, so clearly she recharged inductively, via the USB cradle. Gadget placed the body carefully in the dock.
“I can feel my legs again!” Foxglove exclaimed. “Not that I can move them or anything…”
Gadget replied with a grin. “Well it doesn’t look like you managed to harmony-thing.”
“Ha, ha!” Foxglove replied in an annoyed tone.
The wings were worth a second look, a set of three triangular panels hinged at the edges to form a line. In the centre of each panel was a circle of blacker fuzz, a flat panel speaker. The thumb claw was the power switch, with a blue LED beside it. Gadget opened one out, then folded it into a triangular pyramid, and concertina-wise to form a single triangle for storage. Each gyration produced an exclamation from Foxglove, clearly audible from the wing speakers.
Finally Gadget slotted them into place on the body, and docked the head on top. Foxglove sighed with relief.
“Oh… that feels good. It was so weird watching you put me back together, and feeling it too. Surely you can change us back now?”
Gadget shook her head. “I told you, the Morphalizer will take time to recharge. And don’t call me Shirley. In the meantime, we are all going out onto the branch behind the kitchen, and you two are going to make it up to me by letting me relax. Rather, you’ll provide the music and Tammy will provide the rest of it, since she is after all something to rest on. It’ll be her way of making restitution.”
There was a groan from the couch, though whether it was a complaint about being used as a recliner, or Gadget’s dreadful string of puns was the question.
Gadget knelt down and started pushing Foxglove’s buttons, well more than she already had with her jokes. She scrolled through the menus, muttering to herself. “Anime themes… romantic songs… background music… Action movie soundtracks… Oh, this is hopeless!” She stood up. “You are getting your USB connected to the computer and I’ll download some stuff I like!”
Foxglove moaned. “Not Kraftwerk! Please no… How about the Neon Genesis Evangelion soundtrack, or Van Dread?”
“I happen to _like_ Kraftwerk. Okay, just one album, and I’ll add some other stuff to the play-list.”
Gadget quickly set up things outside. It was a beautiful day, perfect for chilling out. Tammy was folded up concertina fashion and mouse-handled through the door. Foxglove followed, in pieces, to be reassembled by Tammy’s tail, wings outstretched. Last of all, Gadget brought out a jam jar lid tray, with a thimble jug of cold apple juice, and a smaller toothpaste cap mug, as well as her well thumbed copy of ‘Advanced Quantum Physics for Rodents’.
After a moment, she went back inside and got a second mug and a piece of straw, and poured out a drink which she put by Tammy’s head. Looking at Foxglove, she said, “Sorry I can’t give you one, but I’m not sure what the liquid would do to you… well I am sure, and it’s not something I want to happen, or you want to happen either. Tell you what, when you’re back to normal, I’ll serve you ice-cream.”
Then she climbed into the seat, picked up book and drink, and lost herself
in mathematics to the strains of ‘Radio-active’. After a while, she
started to doze, and eventually fell asleep in the warm afternoon air.
_________________
Part 3
Three Sparks for Muster Marks
“Ooooooo,” Tammy growled. “Do you believe it! She’s sleeping!
On me!”
“Let her sleep,” Foxy said.
“I am not going to sit still and be treated like furniture!” Tammy snapped. She strained mightily, grunting like a weightlifter.
“What are you doing?” Foxglove asked.
“I’m gonna fold up on her,” Tammy gritted through her teeth. After several more seconds, she stopped. “I can’t do it. She’s got my hips locked.”
“I know,” Foxglove said calmly. The music coming from Foxy’s speaker-wings lowered in volume and smoothly changed to a very different New Age mood piece.
“What’s that?” Tammy queried.
“John Serrie,” Foxy said with satisfaction. “That’ll keep her asleep. I thought I might still control some internal functions.”
“We’re still her afternoon playthings!” Tammy seethed. “The cheek of that mouse!”
“That’s... interesting,” Foxy said softly, gazing towards Gadget.
“What is? What do you see?” Tammy asked.
“That book she was reading. ‘Advanced Quantum Physics for Rodents’.” Foxy said thoughtfully. “Those formulae are a lot like an old form of Assyrian magic notation. And those squiggly lines could have come right out of one of my Celtic tomes. Very strange...”
“Could you stick to the subject,” Tammy said with evident irritation, “and find a way to change us back?”
“I’m working on it,” Foxy said with a smile. “I’m accessing the computer inside Headquarters.”
“But... you’re not plugged in.” Tammy observed.
“I don’t have to be,” Foxy pointed out. “I’m Bluetooth. I’ve got a wireless connection to some of the files I stored on the hard drive and...” Her expression brightened. “Now that’s the sort of spell I need! Let’s see, I’ll just... OH!”
“What is it?” Tammy said.
“Ummm, Oooo... Oh goodness!” Foxy squeaked. “Ah, I think I’d better keep to myself what a download feels like.”
“Are you going to change us back!?” Tammy squawked in frustration.
“Oh, yes,” Foxy said, her eyes narrowing in ominous glee. “And I’ll take that self-satisfied curl out of Gadget’s tail at the same time.”
“Good!” Tammy said. “Give her the works!”
Foxglove began to weave the spell, and it whispered in stereo from her speakers. But her eyes strayed, without her realizing it, to the book in Gadget’s lap. Distraction in spell casting was a typical error for an inexperienced mage, but when mixed with screwy technology, the results were... Well, read on.
The force of the enchantment grew around them, surrounded them, then suddenly burst like an over inflated bit of bubble gum. The trio instantly became their usual selves, standing as if nothing had happened. Gadget, abruptly awakened, caught herself from falling and squeaked in distress as her book tumbled to the ground.
“Wha! What happened!” Gadget cried.
“I fixed your little malfunction,” Foxglove sneered. “Gotcha!”
“I thought you said you were going to let her have it,” Tammy complained.
“I guess you can’t have everything,” Foxy said. She closed in on Gadget menacingly. “I was hoping for a little spin on a mouse flying carpet, but I see I didn’t weave it right.”
“Oh yeah?” Gadget responded, refusing to be intimidated. She stepped in and bumped Foxglove directly. “I should have cued up that amphibian metal band Dale keeps playing. Steel Toad Boots.” The mere mention made Foxglove wince. “They’d be ringing in your ears for a week!”
“Oh yeah?” Tammy said, bumping Gadget in turn. “I should have hauled you to Monty’s room for some real serious cleaning! I should have shoved your snoot in his memento closet and let you fight it out with his saber-toothed dust bunnies!”
“Oh yeah!?” Gadget snarled, bumping them again.
“Yeah!” Tammy and Foxy chorused, bumping her back.
Gadget’s expression slowly turned to one of considerable disgust. “Foxglove, what kind of goo did you put in that spell of yours?”
“I didn’t put any ‘goo’ in my spell,” she answered flatly. “It’s a very clean, dry spell.”
“Then why can’t I let go of you?” Gadget asked.
Tammy pulled back. She didn’t budge. “Oh no! We’re stuck!”
“Stuck!?” Foxy exclaimed. “Whata you mean, stuck!?”
“We’re stuuuck!!” Tammy repeated.
All three tugged and pulled with all their strength. The truth was evident. They couldn’t separate in the least. Their efforts only cemented their bodies more firmly together.
“Foxy, are you feeling OK?” Tammy asked. “You look sort of greenish.”
Foxglove stopped struggling. “Tammy, you look kind of reddish. And Gadget, you look blueish.”
“Foxy, what kind of spell were you casting, anyway?” Gadget asked.
“It shouldn’t have an effect like this,” Foxy insisted. “It’s really a simple spell. A sort of ‘back to basics’ spell.”
“Basics,” Gadget mulled. “Primaries...” Then she spotted her book on the ground. “You weren’t reading my physics book when you cast that spell, were you?”
“I wasn’t reading from it,” Foxy said evasively. “It was just sort of there.”
Gadget turned with difficulty to see the page of her book and gasped in awful realization.
“You didn’t get us back to normal! You made us into quarks!”
“Why can’t we let go!” Tammy said frantically.
“We’re held together by gluons!” Gadget said.
“Well, gluon you!” Tammy barked. “Do something!”
“Gluons hold subatomic particles together,” Gadget explained. “Their attractive force has thousands of times the power of gravity. We’re really stuck!”
Suddenly, they slipped. They found themselves with their backs to each other, still very stuck, and in a remarkably graceful pose normally found on ancient Greek pottery.
“We’re also not entirely stable,” Gadget said nervously.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!!” they shrieked in unison as they toppled to the ground. Quite without their volition, their bodies snaked about each other. The rogue quantum forces attached them to each other with power beyond any chemical adhesive, but it also made their bodies into nearly frictionless surfaces and caused them to slide and slither like magnetic north poles pushed together as the unbalanced energies sought equilibrium.
“Hey, careful!” Tammy said.
“Could you move your knee?” Foxglove said. “It’s going up my nose.”
“Does someone have a hold of my tail?” Gadget asked.
“I think that’s my foot,” Tammy answered.
“WHOA!” Foxy yelled. They were shifting again. Arms, legs and torsos slinked and twisted about each other. They paused for a moment in a formation rather resembling a furry katamari.
“What’s happening!” Tammy yelled. “Why do we keep moving around!?”
“The quantum energies are trying to reach a state of balance,” Gadget said. She glanced over their prediciment. “I think we’re trying to be a pi-meson right now.”
“Why did we change color?” Foxy asked, grasping for a way out.
“Quarks are characterized by qualities like color and flavor,” Gadget explained. “They’re not real colors and flavors since quarks are such tiny objects they don’t have effects on the environment at the level where we recognize flavors and colors.”
“Then this is all particle physics, not magic,” Foxy complained. “Can’t you make it stop?”
“Oh sure,” Gadget answered sarcastically. “Do you have any idea what it takes to break quantum bonds? Like I carry a half-billion electron volts in my hip pocket!”
“If you did,” Tammy grated, “I could get at from here with my teeth!”
“Don’t you dare!” Gadget snapped.
”AAAAAACK!!”
They shifted again. Gadget and Foxy ended up adhered together with their feet pointing in opposite directions. Tammy’s body and tail twisted up and around the pair like the stripe on a candy cane - and stuck just as tightly. Gadget found her muzzle wedged into a warm, moist part of Foxglove’s anatomy she had no desire to be very close to.
“Gadget, be careful there,” Foxy said nervously.
“Mmmmmphh,” Gadget responded.
Foxy flinched powerfully at the muffled remark. “Don’t do that!” she squeaked. “It’s too sensitive!”
“Quit wiggling, you two!” Tammy squawked. “It makes me coil tighter!”
“I can’t help it!” Foxy cried. “The way Gadget’s trying to move her lips is... Oh My Goodness!” Foxy shuddered and squealed unintelligibly.
“Both of you quit moving!” Tammy ordered. “I already feel like an anaconda!”
The two trapped creatures tried their best to remain motionless, but Gadget’s air supply was running thin, and even her merest breath in that delicate locale was making Foxy squirm.
Finally, Gadget couldn’t endure any more. She cut loose from the damp depths of Foxglove’s wingpit.
“GET ME OUTTA HERE!”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Foxy squealed. “Don’t do that! It Tickles!!!"
They tumbled into a ball-like formation, resembling a violent family fight among octopi, with Foxy’s wings enveloping Gadget and Tammy. Foxy glanced toward the Ranger semi-sphereoid within her wings and quickly looked away, blushing.
“Gadget,” Tammy asked, her voice trembling, “did you intend to put your tail... there?”
“Omigosh!” Gadget shrieked. “It’s...”
At once, they were on the move again, writhing and entwining in the grasp of irresistible forces. They paused with their arms and legs completely tangled, their sweating bodies in an intimate huddle, and their perspiring foreheads stuck together in a point-blank tête-à-tête-à-tête.
“What were you saying about quarks having flavor?” Tammy asked.
“Those are just terms for categorizing them,” Gadget said. “Quarks have flavors like Up and Down and Top... and Bottom...” she hesitated as the terminology intruded on their current situation. “And Charm. And... Strange...”
“Gadget?” Foxy quavered. “Is there any chance these quark forces are trying to... start... something?”
Tammy mewed wordlessly in approaching panic. Gadget gasped softly as the possibilities roiled her brain.
“Is... something... starting?” she asked.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” they agreed.
They began sliderating, slippervating, and even squidgeratating into yet another mesonic configuration. They halted in a posture best thought of as rodent chirashi - family style.
“Guys!” Gadget ventured, “every time we make a sound we start moving again. Let’s try being quiet.”
They held their breath. For a long minute they remained motionless.
“SIGH” they said in unison.
“YIPE” they said, also in unison, as they contorted rapidly into yet another shape.
They halted in a most unique position. It had been first been noted as a carving high on a temple wall in southern India. The last attempt by mortals to emulate the pose had led to the invention of chiropracty.
“This is ridiculous!” Gadget snapped. “Foxy, this is magic, not physics! Can’t you turn it off?”
“I can’t even catch my breath!” Foxy said. “Let alone think!”
“It can’t be too difficult,” Tammy groaned. “In the cartoon, all Merlin the wizard had to say was, ‘Snik, snak, snorum.’”
Instantly, the trio tumbled out of the discomforting posture and away from each other. They tentatively touched each other to insure the spell had been broken before laughing softly in relief.
“Tammy, that was wonderful!” Foxy cheered. “A perfect performance!”
“Just plain brilliant!” Gadget hooted. “I knew you’d make a great partner!”
“Gee, I just did what I remembered from the movie,” Tammy said humbly.
“We’re going to have to keep you close,” Foxy said, swinging her wing over Tammy’s shoulder. “If we ever get into this again, I want you to...”
They were suddenly struck by a terrible feeling. That pit of the stomach, down-elevator feeling that made them slowly turn around.
Behind them stood Chip, Dale and Monty. Zipper sat atop the large rectangular object they were propping up. Their eyes hadn’t bulged like hubcaps, but they were close to the size of G.I. coat buttons. They hadn’t made a sound.
“Hi, fellas,” Gadget said carefully. “How long have you been standing there?”
None of them moved. They might have been painted on the background.
“Long enough,” Foxglove concluded with resignation.
In perfect synchronization, the lads executed The Nakalacci Drop. Three rodent and one insect jaws dropped to the floor with musical anvil clangs. Ahoooga horns sounded in a cacophony to rival a Toontown traffic jam. It was one of those classic moments of toony shock.
Tammy clutched her shirt in a desperate expression of modesty. “You guys were watching! And you didn’t even try to help!”
That snapped the lads out of their stupor. They simultaneously slapped the left side of their faces, causing their jaws to swiftly retract with a window shade rattle.
“It wasn’t like that!” Chip said, trying to save face. “We weren’t watching! We were just... sorta... there!”
“How much did you see?” Gadget asked nervously.
“I think we walked in right around the furry katamari,” Dale said.
“You saw everything,” Tammy groaned.
Foxglove stepped over to Dale. “It wasn’t what you’re thinking, darling. My magic spell went haywire. We were stuck and couldn’t get loose from each other.” She reached out and took his hand. “You believe me, don’t you?”
“Of course I do,” Dale said shyly. “To be honest, I was tryin’ to think how to get in on it.”
“Me, too,” Chip confessed.
“You were?” Tammy crooned. “How romantic!”
“I don’t think romantic is the word,” Gadget said warily.
“I gotta tell ya,” Zipper chuckled, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“I have,” Monty said. His eyes gazed into the distance as he spoke. “Four beautiful mousettes. A big glass mixing bowl. A half pint of salad oil.” His expression was somewhere between ecstatic delight and abject terror. “I couldn’t get out for three days.”
“Monty,” Chip warned, “We’re only rated PG. Stop. Right now.”
“OH!” Monty said, coming to his senses. “Ah-ha! It’s all a load of hooey, Chipper. Made it up on the spot. Complete hogwash.”
“I don’t think you made that up,” Gadget said softly, looking at him as if he’d just grown two heads.
“Nope!” he insisted. “Not a word of truth in it! Utter bilge!” He chuckled weakly and unconvincingly. “Gotcha?”
“Fellas,” Gadget said gently, “you’re not going to tease us endlessly about this, are you?”
“You’re not going to keep bringing it up for years and years and years, are you?” Foxy asked.
“You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?” Tammy pleaded.
“Pleeeease?” they keened in unison.
Such a plaintive, forlorn request implicitly carried an offer: Name your price. Dale wouldn’t meet their eyes, Monty looked away, and Chip seemed about to make the deal until he caught Zipper’s fierce glare, warning him to be truthful.
“I’m not sure we can make that promise,” Chip said at last.
“You mean... we’re never going to hear the end of this?” Gadget said mournfully.
“It’s not like that!” Chip said frantically. “It’s this...” He indicated the blockish object that accompanied them. “We were bringing this to ask you about it.”
Gadget turned her attention to it for the first time. “It’s an iPhone. Where could that have come from?”
“We found it right outside the Headquarters,” Chip explained. “We were going to check it for the owner’s address, so we could return it, but its malfunctioning.”
“It won’t stop shooting MPEG’s...” Zipper said.
“MPEG’s?” Gadget whispered, aghast, as she realized she was staring into the camera lens.
“...and it keeps trying to make a wireless connection,” Zipper concluded.
The girls didn’t reach The Nakalacci Drop. There wasn’t time. They looked at each other in horror.
“Bluetooth!” Foxglove screamed.
“The computer!” Gadget shouted.
The three dashed down the side of the tree and into the front room. The Ranger’s computer hummed it’s usual self-satisfied hum. Gadget pounded the keyboard to wake it up and get the system status.
“It’s got the files,” Gadget reported, “but it’s not accessing the e-mail program.”
“Maybe we’re OK,” Tammy said hopefully.
“Oh shoot!” Gadget snapped. “It’s in the FTP program... It’s gotten into Firefox’s bookmarks file!”
“Stop it!” Foxy wailed. “Pull the plug!”
“The cables run through the floorboards!” Gadget said. “It won’t disconnect! It won’t force quit!” She looked at the screen in agony. “It’s gone. It’s gone everywhere.”
The lads hurried in and caught Gadget’s words of defeat. They moved close to comfort their comrades, except for Zipper, who flew to Chip’s office down the hall.
“Now, love, maybe it won’t be so bad,” Monty said. “Things get lost on the internet all the time.”
“Once something’s loose on the internet, it never goes away,” Gadget said sadly. “Someone always has a copy.”
“That’s the truth,” Tammy agreed dejectedly. “Our reputations are in the tank.”
Zipper buzzed in, returning from Chip’s office with a document in hand. He landed on the table and took up a tiny ballpoint pen. Though he was rarely called upon for his expertise, Zipper had experience as mysterious and as wide ranging as Monterey Jack’s.
“If you’re already doomed,” Zipper said grimly, “you may as well make a deal with the Devil.” He held up the pen to the girls. “Come here and sign.”
Gadget stepped to the table and took the pen, finding a dotted line at the bottom of the page. “I hope this is an enlistment form for the Foreign Legion,” she said sadly.
Tammy took up the pen next. “It may as well be a title deed to have ourselves sold in the slave market in Marrakech.”
“How do you know about that?” Gadget asked in surprise.
“Gadget, everybody knows about that,” Tammy said. Gadget frowned terribly. She’d only heard the story last week.
Foxglove carefully scribed her name on the paper. “It hardly matters if it’s a contract with Ralph Bakshi. We’re done for,” Zipper scooped up the document and rolled it like a blueprint.
“Zipper, what did we just sign?” Gadget asked.
“This?” he said slyly. “It’s a model release.”
“Zipper!” Foxy cried. “You’d exploit your friend’s misfortune for financial gain?”
“Maaaay-be,” he answered with a grin. “But not in this case. This gives the Rescue Rangers organization legal standing in regard to the images taken of you three. If anyone tries to circulate them, we can nail them with a cease and desist order!”
“That’s perfect!” Gadget cried in delight. “If anyone tries to put them on the net, we can shut them down!”
“There’s a lot of powerful forces at work in the world,” Zipper said. “But on the internet, there’s hardly anything more powerful than a C&D.”
FINITO
Gadget, Foxglove, Tammy, Chip, Dale, Zipper, Monterey Jack and the Rescue Rangers
are © & ™ Walt Disney Studios and are employed here without their
permission.
All other characters, locations, equipment and situations are © 2007 David D. White and Stainless Steel Rat. Permission to copy and redistribute without charge is granted, provided the work is not altered, edited, left with a full dust bag or otherwise fiddled with.
The images of Gadget, Tammy and Foxglove in the grip of quantum forces run amok are known to be on the internet in 11 MPEG files. However, the iPhone generated 250 character file names at random. Some of the characters employed were from Norwegian, Klingon, and a rare set of proofreader’s marks last used by Sumerian science fiction editors.
Given the diligence of the Acorn Cafe members, I expect the whole MPEG set to be available by the end of the month.