By Cyber Daimyo
Part Seven
Gadget Hackwrench: And welcome back to Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy. Boy oh boy, do we have an exciting game tonight. Let's take a look at the scores. In a stunning third place, [ sighs ] we have Mepps, who just came back from his short vacation, with negative $56,000. We don't know how he got that much, but I'm not asking.
Mepps: [ laughs ] Hoohah! I'm back! [ continues laughing ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Sure you are, Mepps. In second, Acorn Cafe member, wayc, has negative $5,000. Good start.
Wayc: [ laughs like a wild hyena ]
Gadget Hackwrench: And back again, Buffy Ratskiwatski, with a shocking negative $200.
[ Buffy just stands there, giggling ]
Wayc: I think that standing there not saying much has worked for Miss Ratskiwatski.
Gadget Hackwrench: Now, let's take a look at the topics for Double Jeopardy. They are: Potent Potables, US Vice Presidents with the last name of "Cheney," Six-stringed musical instruments, Chastity Belts, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and finally, Elephant Trunk or Tail. Mepps, you are in third place, so select a category.
Mepps: I'll take Impatient Potables for $400.
Gadget Hackwrench: It's Potent Potables, Mepps.
Mepps: Something you're impatient with! [ laughs ]
Gadget Hackwrench: [ frustrated ] For $400. This Tequila beverage is made in Mexico. [ Mepps buzzes in ] Mepps.
Mepps: You know, that reminds me of a time up in Hawaii. I was having fun with this female mouse, and she has a Hawaiian skirt on her...I was playing volleyball with her... [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No. Anyone else? [ Buffy rings in ]
Mepps: You didn't let me finish, you dipstick!
Gadget Hackwrench: Buffy Ratskiwatski.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: Sodium solution? [ giggles as the buzzer sounds ]
Gadget Hackwrench: That is incorrect. [ Wayc buzzes in ] Wayc.
Wayc: What is Tejano Jambouree? [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: [ angry ] No. IT WAS TEQUILA! WE TOLD YOU IN THE DAD-GUM CLUE!
Wayc: What did you say?
Mepps: That reminds me of when I was in Mexico...
Gadget Hackwrench: [ Interrupting ] Mepps, you are still in third place, so you choose another category.
Mepps: I'll take Girly Belts for $1,000.
Gadget Hackwrench: Right. Let's try Rock, Paper, Scissors for $800. This is not paper, nor scissors...but it is still one of those three. [ Buffy rings in ] Buffy Ratskiwatski.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: Who am I?
Gadget Hackwrench: You are Buffy Ratskiwatski. [ Mepps buzzes in ] Mepps.
Mepps: What is her hair? [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No. [ Wayc rings in ] Wayc?
Wayc: The fact of the matter is...Who are you?
Mepps: I'm Mepps... [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: I am going to fire Merv Gryffin.
Mepps: What is that imbecile doing?
Gadget Hackwrench: Look who's talking, Mepps.
Wayc: Come on Gadget, I have some girls to see. There's a lot of things for me to do.
Gadget Hackwrench: [ ticked ] The answer to the last question, you idiots, was a ROCK! Scissors and paper are not a ROCK!
Wayc: They are if you put them in concrete.
Gadget Hackwrench: Buffy, choose another category for us, please.
Britney Spears: [ giggling ] Did you know I once dated Nigel Uno from The Kids Next Door?
Gadget Hackwrench: Shut up and do it.
Mepps: She did talk back to Numbuh One! [ laughs ]
Wayc: What's with your voice?
Gadget Hackwrench: Whose voice?
Wayc: Her voice, Gadget. What are you, a Japanese dork? [ Mepps laughs ]
Buffy Ratskiwatski: I'll take US Presidents with the last name of Cheney for $800.
Gadget Hackwrench: Vice presidents, Miss Ratskiwatski.
Mepps: [ rings in ] What is Gadget Hackwrench? [ laughs ] Get it? Dork? [ resumes laughing while Buffy giggles ]
Gadget Hackwrench: And it's time for Final Jeopardy. While none of you actually got above the hole enough to play in it, there might be some hope.
Mepps: On the plus side! [ laughs ] There's nothing above you! [ keeps laughing while Buffy continues giggling ]
Gadget Hackwrench: And for Final Jeopardy, write down your name. Write down ANY name and you win! ANY name! [ Present day Final Jeopardy theme plays as the contestants write down their answers ] [ music stops ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Alright...let's see what you've put down. Let's start with Wayc...what did you put?
Wayc: Hey, Buffy, want to taste the Dairy Queen Blizzard? What? Oh, What did I write? Well, the fact of the matter is this. You said, write any name, so I did write Any name.
Gadget Hackwrench: You are an idiot. And what did you wager?
Wayc: Wager?
Gadget Hackwrench: Yes, you have to wager something...
Wayc: I didn't wager anything.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's nice. Buffy Ratskiwatski, what about you? What did you put? Numbuh One.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: I just remembered I'm not dating him anymore.
Gadget Hackwrench: If your hair were brains, you might have been able to figure out that Numbuh One is a name. And what did you wager?
Buffy Ratskiwatski: Or am I?
Gadget Hackwrench: You wagered: Intelligence, or in other words, nothing.
And finally, Mepps. What did you write? Gadget Hackwrench. My word, you know
what? That is a name! And it is my name! So, Mepps, despite anything which may
have prevented you, you are correct. And what did you wager? Is too darn slow
and stupid. [ Mepps laughs wildly ] That's lovely. That's all for Rescue Rangers
Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm Gadget Hackwrench and Pat Sajak, you can have them.
Good night. [ walks offstage ]