By Cyber Daimyo
Part One
Johnny Gilbert: Welcome back to Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy. Now, here's your host... Gadget Hackwrench!
Gadget Hackwrench: [ upset as she sighs ] Thanks, Johnny. Why must we continue to do this seriously for Pete's sake? What's the point of this?
[ Mepps laughing ]
Mepps: I knew you'd break someday Gadget! [ laughing like crazy ]
Gadget Hackwrench: [ Interrupting ] CAN IT, MEPPS!!!
[ Mepps continues laughing in the background ]
Gadget Hackwrench: The sooner we get this over with, the better. Now let's take a look at the scores. [ camera focuses on Mole ] Mole is in last place with a whopping negative $98,000, after insisting on wagering $95,000 dollars on a daily double, which he made a wrong response.
Mole: [ giggles ] Yeah, well, it's not my money.
Gadget Hackwrench: Yes, Mole, but you are playing for charity.
Mole: [ talking quickly ] Yeah, well who gives a stupid Daily Double clue?
Gadget Hackwrench: A motto I think we can all live by. In the lead is Buffy Ratskiwatski, [ camera zooms in on Buffy ] with negative $2000.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: Just you wait till I tell my daddy on you.
Gadget Hackwrench: Yes, I'll be looking forward to it, my young juvenile taisho with a mind of a spoiled brat. And in second place with negative $7,300 is Mepps and we've, of course, already met him.
Mepps: Look at my score again, Gadget. I think you'll notice something.
Gadget Hackwrench: Yes, I noticed, Mepps. It's lovely.
Mepps: Your mother seemed to think so.
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay that's enough! Let's just get on with the game, all right?! [ sighs while talking to herself ] Come on, Gadget, you honorable samurai genius, you can do this, just hang in there. Here are the categories for our Double Jeopardy round, which are: Potpourri, Words That Don't Rhyme With Orange, Say Something, Potent Potables, The Bible, Women's Tennis, and Rocky Movies. Miss Ratskiwatski, please choose the category.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: [ looking at her hair ] These are real you know.
Mepps: [ laughs ] Yeah, I know! [ laughs while pounding on his podium ]
Buffy Ratskiwatski: THEY ARE!!!
Mepps: I bet, girly girl! [ continues laughing ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Well, this is just great. Mole, why don't you pick?
Mole: Yeah, I'll take the, uh.. fruit thing for $6,400.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's Words that don't rhyme with orange, Mole, for 400. The answer is: This word does NOT rhyme with orange. [ long pause ] Let me remind you that no word rhymes with orange. [ short pause ] If you say something, you will be right, anything... [ Ratskiwatski rings in ] [ sighs with relief ] Thank you. Miss Ratskiwatski.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: What is an orange? [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: No, Miss Hackwrench, I was asking what an orange was. I can't give an answer if I don?t know what an orange is.
Gadget Hackwrench: Look, whatever. Mole, it's still your board.
Mole: Yeah, let me have...uh.. [ clears throat ] why don't you give me fake hair for 200.
Gadget Hackwrench: That's not a category. [ Mole buzzes in ]
Mole: Who is Buffy Ratskiwatski, [ Imitates Pee-Wee Herman ] heh heh! [ Mole and Mepps start laughing like wild animals ]
Buffy Ratskiwatski: [ pointing to Mepps and Mole ] That's not very nice you bullies!
Mole: Yeah, well your daddy bites.
Gadget Hackwrench: I hate to interrupt you guys, but we must get on with the game. Mepps, I'm giving you a chance here. Please pick a category.
Mepps: I knew you'd come crawling back. Just like what your mother did last nigh-
Gadget Hackwrench: [ angry ] Look, are you going to pick a dad-gum category or not?!?!
Mepps: All right, all right, Gadget. Don't get your pants in a festival. I'll take Women's Tennis for 800.
Gadget Hackwrench: Fine, thank you. The answer is: This Williams woman has won more Tennis Championships than any other woman. [ Mepps rings in ] Mepps.
Mepps: Who is Jennifer Lopez? [ buzzer ]
Gadget Hackwrench: No. That's not right.
Mepps: Well, we all know you're not a fan of the actresses, are you, Gadget? However, her wussy attitude is a ten.
Gadget Hackwrench: [ short pause ] It's Women's TEN-NIS, not Women's Ten Wuss!
Mepps: Well, just because your answer would have been Chip Maplewood doesn't make mine wrong you son of a gun!
Gadget Hackwrench: Mole, PLEASE pick a category!
Mole: Yeah, I'll take the wuss thing for 16 quadrillion.
[ Mepps laughs with extreme excitement ]
Gadget Hackwrench: You know what, that category is definitely getting on my nerves. Miss Ratskiwatski, pick a category or else.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: [ scared look on her face ] I- I'll t-t-take
Gadget Hackwrench: [ very angry ] JUST PICK, BUFFY!!!!
Buffy Ratskiwatski: [ Jumpy ] Say Something for 400 hundred!
Gadget Hackwrench: [ Sighs with relief ] Thank you. The answer is a Daily Double. Miss Ratskiwatski, how much would you like to wager?
Buffy Ratskiwatski: Ummm ... A lot.
Gadget Hackwrench: Fine, here is your daily double clue: Say something ... [ Buffy thinks ] Just say something, Miss Ratskiwatski, anything at all. Make a sound if you want. [ Buffy still has a dumbfounded look on her face ] Miss Ratskiwatski, is your hair fake?
Buffy Ratskiwatski: NO!!!! [ bell dinging ]
Gadget Hackwrench: [ Bursting out with heavy excitement ] That is correct! Yes, finally, a right answer!
Mole: That's not correct, those things are as fake as your hair as well!
Gadget Hackwrench: No, Mole, she answered the question correctly.
Mepps: Let's stop the argument right now! [ Mepps puts out his fist ] I'll test them to find out, come closer, Buffy! [ Buffy gets scared as she hugs Mepps ]
Gadget Hackwrench: Mepps, stop that! Now, seeing how we are on a high note, let's all just go to Final Jeopardy. And the category is.. You know what? I will tell you guys what. [ rips card ] In order to win the game, you must write down your name. Just write down your name and you win. [ Present day Final Jeopardy theme starts as Gadget talks very slow and steady ] This is nearly impossible to miss. Just write your name. It may seem difficult, but I know you can do it. You've already written it once today on your podiums. Use it as a reference if you must. If you want to leave it there as your answer, you may. In fact, Please do. Just concentrate! [ Music ends ] Okay, let's just hurry up with this situation so we can all amscray and do something we want to do in our spare time. We'll start with you, Miss Ratskiwatski. The question was to write down your name and let's see your response. Your response was: THEY'RE REAL! with a heart at the end of it. Well that's lovely. And your wager: I SWEAR. THEY'RE REAL! I SWEAR! ... who can argue with that? Moving on to Mole now. Although I know I'll regret this until the day I pass away. Let's check out your answer. Your name is: Matt Vasgersian. That's beautiful, but unfortunately, that is not exactly the correct answer we were looking for. Let's see what you have wagered: The Farm. [ Mole does a short giggle ] Good for you.
Buffy Ratskiwatski: Oh no, don't take away my daddy's farm!!!
Gadget Hackwrench: Just can it! [ clears throat and adjusts her jumpsuit
] Let's move on to the cream of the idiot crop, Mepps. Well, let's just do this
like a band-aid. The question was to write your name and your response was:
Gadget Hackwrench. Well, well, Mepps, I tell you what, despite fate, the judges
are telling me that your answer can be accepted as you could have read the question
thinking it was asking for my name. Well done! And let's check out what your
wager is: 's Mother is a Dork. Gadget Hackwrench's Mother is a Dork. [ Mepps
laughs wildly ] Why you crazy insulting tomcat! [ hops over Mepps' podium and
takes Mepps down while beating him up as Mole stands there, laughing and giggling
while Buffy plays with her hair ] Anyway, that is that fo-OW! [ Mepps grabs
Gadget ear and pushes her against the scoreboard ] OOF! That's that for Rescue
Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy. [ Gadget pushes Mepps back ] Once again, due to
the contestants' pathetic scores, money will be confiscated from their charities.
Good night. [ Gadget and Meeps continue fighting with each other while Buffy
and Mole watch the action ]