Rescue Rangers Celebrity Jeopardy
By Cyber Daimyo
Part One
Johnny: From the Sony Pictures Studios, this is Celebrity Jeopardy! And, now, here's the host of Jeopardy, Gadget Hackwrench.
Gadget Hackwrench: Thank you, Johnny. Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy! We've got three wonderful celebrities playing for charity. Let's meet them: Mepps...
Mepps: Hello, Gadget.
Gadget Hackwrench: Mole.
Mole: How ya doin'?
Gadget Hackwrench: And finally, Wart.
Wart: May I tell you what a joy it is and a thrill and all good stuff it is to be here? It's super-duper! Mwa-ha-ha!
Gadget Hackwrench: Good luck to all three of you.
Wart: Yeah, we're gonna need it! Hahahaha-HA!
Gadget Hackwrench: What do you say we take a look at our board? The categories are: CELEBRITIES, POTPOURRI, POPULAR MUSIC, MOVIES, POTENT POTABLES, U.S. HISTORY, and 'S' WORDS, which are words that begin with the letter 'S.' Mepps, it's your turn.
Mepps: Eh... I'll take MOVIES for $400.
Gadget Hackwrench: The answer is: "John Travolta learned how to dance for this 1977 hit movie." [Mepps rings in] Mepps?
Mepps: That would be Jaws.
Gadget Hackwrench: No. Jaws is incorrect. And please answer in the form of a question. [Mole rings in] Mole.
Mole: What is Jaws?
Gadget Hackwrench: No. That was already guessed. [Wart rings in] Wart.
Wart: If I remember correctly, Gadget, that would be Dancing For LADIES... ayyy. I had to go for it!
Gadget Hackwrench: No. That is incorrect, also. "What is Saturday Night Fever?" Heads up, players. Mepps, it's still your board.
Mepps: Uh.. I'll take SWORDS for $400.
Gadget Hackwrench: It's actually not SWORDS... sir. Swords... These are words that begin with 'S.' The answer is: 'Popeye is this sort of man.' [Mole rings in.] Mole.
Mole: What is... Popeye?
Gadget Hackwrench: No. [Mepps rings in.] Mepps. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter 'S,' not SWORDS.
Mepps: [Stumped, Mepps hits his podium] Saber!
Gadget Hackwrench: No!
Mepps: It began with a bloody 'S!'
[Wart rings in, and begins to laugh. He continues to ring his buzzer.]
Gadget Hackwrench: Wart.
Wart: I got the answer, Gadget. You want the answer, it's simple. They're t-terrified of a perfectionist. 'They' being the people who are running the studios this week-- [time runs out]
Gadget Hackwrench: I'm sorry, Wart. Time's up. "What is 'Sailor?'" was the correct response. Tough start for everyone. All three celebrities are $800 down.
Mepps: The hell if I'm going to pay you a bloody $800!
Gadget Hackwrench: Please, rest assured, Mepps, this is for charity - it's not your own money. And it is still your board.
Mepps: All right, I'll take MOVIES for $200.
Gadget Hackwrench: "This racing movie with Dom DeLuise told us that, yes, cannonballs can run." [ no one buzzes in ] "Cannonballs can run." Mole, you might want to guess this. [ Mole buzzes in ] Mole.
Mole: Oh, I don't know... Shakespeare!
Gadget Hackwrench: No! [ Mepps buzzes in ] Mepps.
Mepps: I'll not pay this fine I've incurred, [ roars ] it's unjust!!
Gadget Hackwrench: You don't have to pay the-- [ Wart buzzes in ] Wart.
Wart: Cannonball in mabin--
Gadget Hackwrench: Wait, wait, wait... it sounds like you might have the right answer! Did you say 'Cannon?'
Wart: Cannon...
Gadget Hackwrench: Now say 'ball!'
Wart: Ball...
Gadget Hackwrench: Put them together...
Wart: [ acts like a karate master ] Cannonball in Mabinnnnayyyyyyyybayyyyaaahh!
Gadget Hackwrench: Okay, let's just move on. Mole, can you please pick a category?
Mepps: [ to Mole ] Pick... pick SWORDS.
Mole: Yeah, sure, gimme SWORDS.
Gadget Hackwrench: It... it's 'S' WORDS! It's 'S' WORDS! And for how much, Mole?
Mole: Aw, hell, let's go nuts - SWORDS for $48,000!
Gadget Hackwrench: [ mad as hell ] We're not doing SWORDS! You know, why don't we just move on to Final Jeopardy? The category is: BODIES OF WATER. "This body of water gave Salt Lake City its name." [ 1980s Final Jeopardy music plays and the contestants write down their answers ] And time is up. "This body of water gave Salt Lake City it's name." Mepps, you wrote.. [ screen reads 'Swords' ] ... 'Swords.' And you wagered... [ screen shows VII ] ... what appears to be a Roman Numeral Seven.
Mepps: That's an M!
Gadget Hackwrench: That it is, sir. Mole, you put down... [ screen reads "Gadget Hackwrench" ] ... my name, that's nice. And you wagered... [ screen reads "Is a Dork" ] ..."Is a..." ... okay, obviously that's some sort of swear word. Wart ... has wandered off somewhere. Let's see if he had anything. [ screen shows the left half of Wart's hand ] Apparently his answer was an outline of half of his hand. And he wagered... [ screen shows rest of Wart's hand ] ... the other half of his hand. That's beautiful. Well, I'd like to thank all of our celebrities for joining us this eve--
Wart: [ runs in with glass of water ] I'm sorry, I was late, I was in the little boy's roo-oom! [ spills water on Gadget ] Oh, boy, I didn't mean to do that, let me se--
Gadget Hackwrench: ..celebrities for joining us. Unfortunately, because of your scores, money will be taken away from char-- [ Wart sticks glass in his mouth and shows Gadget ] That's very funny, Wart, very funny. Join us tomorrow when we return to more and more Jeopardy. [ looking at Wart with the glass in his mouth ] I s- No, I see it. I s--
[ Wart jumps into the audience toward the cameraman ]
Wart: Hey, come back! Come over, here, lady! I want to talk to you, Mr. Cameraman! Come to me...